It appears I can't read a book without a serious short man issue coming up. Okay, most of the books I read are about Napoleon, but aside from that, these issues do arise with unseemly regularity.
I've just finished reading The Age of Wonder by Richard Holmes, an elegantly written survey of British scientific achievements in the late eighteenth and early nineteenth century. One of the central characters in the books is Humphrey Davy. He was the inventor of the miners' safety lamp, which has its place in the Making the Modern World gallery at the Science Museum and is regarded by the curators there as one of the most important inventions of all time.
Apart from the safety lamp, I knew little about Davy. It turns out that he was 5ft 5ins and in many ways the archetypal brilliant short man.
Holmes, in what must be one of the most perceptive descriptions of a short man ever written, describes the great chemist thus:
"Davy was small, volatile and bursting with energy and talk...he was impulsive, charming and arrogant. Though physically small, he had huge intellectual ambitons. He was a solitary man who was also an incorrigible flirt."
I'm sure every man under 5ft 7ins can identify with that. Davy was a man who was eager to please, eager to prove himself socially - whilst being isolated from it - and eager to gain paramountcy in his profession. He was brilliant and wanted the world to know it. I'm sure that while London 'society' minded that he was a bit boastful, provincial (from Cornwall) and small, the many thousands of miners across the world whose lives he made safer wouldn't have minded one bit.
My only quibble in this masterly description is the sentence, 'Though physically small, he had huge intellectual ambitions.' This betrays the fact that Holmes lacks true insight into the make-up of the short man. He implies that being short puts a natural cap on one's ambitions.
I would say quite the opposite. The short man - assumed to be of inferior stock to the plodding man of middle height - is naturally inclined towards ambitions, particularly of an intellectual nature. I would immodestly suggest to Richard Holmes that he would have been better off saying,
"Davy was small, and therefore had huge intellectual ambitions."
That would be more accurate. Goes to show that the short man makes history; the middling man writes it.
More on Humphrey Davy soon.
Monday, 29 March 2010
Friday, 26 March 2010
Mark Owen: the latest in a long line of promiscuous short men
I've been musing about Mark Owen's recent travails. The headline in the Sun when he admitted to 10 affairs was interesting. Of course, there is nothing unusual in a pop star having affairs - it's par for the course. But to own up after having 10 affairs, that is something quite different.
Yes, the ordinary pop star might have one or a few affairs before the tabloids get onto it. But there was something very redolent of the try too hard short man in that Mark Owen - the cute one from Take That - turned it into a bit of a boast.
It was almost as if he was saying: "No-one has ever taken me seriously. Gary wrote the songs, Robbie had the successful solo career. There was nothing for me left to do except
prove my masculinity through attracting starstruck girls."
The more I think about it, this rampant promiscuity is something of a hallmark of short men. You've only got to look at Jermain Defoe's incredible ability to bed every aspiring WAG out there to see that the small, successful man simply can't say 'no' to women.
My great favourite, Sisqo, is of course another case in point. Not only did he write one of the great pervy pop tunes of all time, Thong Song, he also got tangled up in a paternity suit with a Swiss woman whom he 'met' on tour.
And checking back through my collection of Napoleon biographies shows beyond doubt that old Bonaparte himself believed in spreading his love around. So, my hastily drawn but I feel nevertheless solid conclusion - great short men are invariably promiscuous. Mark Owen, in your hour of need, take solace from the fact that you follow in the footpath of short men the world over, from Napoleon to Jermain Defoe.
Yes, the ordinary pop star might have one or a few affairs before the tabloids get onto it. But there was something very redolent of the try too hard short man in that Mark Owen - the cute one from Take That - turned it into a bit of a boast.
It was almost as if he was saying: "No-one has ever taken me seriously. Gary wrote the songs, Robbie had the successful solo career. There was nothing for me left to do except
prove my masculinity through attracting starstruck girls."
The more I think about it, this rampant promiscuity is something of a hallmark of short men. You've only got to look at Jermain Defoe's incredible ability to bed every aspiring WAG out there to see that the small, successful man simply can't say 'no' to women.
My great favourite, Sisqo, is of course another case in point. Not only did he write one of the great pervy pop tunes of all time, Thong Song, he also got tangled up in a paternity suit with a Swiss woman whom he 'met' on tour.
And checking back through my collection of Napoleon biographies shows beyond doubt that old Bonaparte himself believed in spreading his love around. So, my hastily drawn but I feel nevertheless solid conclusion - great short men are invariably promiscuous. Mark Owen, in your hour of need, take solace from the fact that you follow in the footpath of short men the world over, from Napoleon to Jermain Defoe.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Napoleon is a hero to all short men
I am very much enjoying reading about Napoleon Bonaparte. One of my French friends once remarked that I 'could be Corsican' which I took as a huge compliment. But until starting this blog I had never looked too closely at the man.
The great man. Probably the greatest short man of all time - and therefore probably the greatest man of all time. Yes, I am a convinced Bonapartist.
He displayed all of the qualities which short men should possess: brilliance, daring, volatility allied with loveability, promiscuity, and more than anything was always trying to prove himself. He had the lot.
I particularly enjoyed his furious slapping-down of Talleyrand, his double-dealing minister, as reported in Andrew Roberts' brilliant book, Napoleon and Wellington.
Napoleon: "Why, I could break you like a glass! I have the power to do so. But I scorn you too much for that. Why didn't I have you hanged in public on the gates of the Carousel? But there is still time for that. You are just common shit in silk stockings!"
I love it all. I love the threat, the scorn, the further threat, and then out-and-out abuse. And I need hardly add that Talleyrand was, of course, a tall man.
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
The great man. Probably the greatest short man of all time - and therefore probably the greatest man of all time. Yes, I am a convinced Bonapartist.
He displayed all of the qualities which short men should possess: brilliance, daring, volatility allied with loveability, promiscuity, and more than anything was always trying to prove himself. He had the lot.
I particularly enjoyed his furious slapping-down of Talleyrand, his double-dealing minister, as reported in Andrew Roberts' brilliant book, Napoleon and Wellington.
Napoleon: "Why, I could break you like a glass! I have the power to do so. But I scorn you too much for that. Why didn't I have you hanged in public on the gates of the Carousel? But there is still time for that. You are just common shit in silk stockings!"
I love it all. I love the threat, the scorn, the further threat, and then out-and-out abuse. And I need hardly add that Talleyrand was, of course, a tall man.
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Craig Bellamy wades put the John Terry scandal to rest. But what does Shearer think?
It was with huge relief that after weeks of stories about the Wayne Bridge / John Terry ‘scandal’, a short man has stepped in to provide some sense on the matter.
Yes, it has taken some time before the world’s media thought to ask what Craig Bellamy’s take was on the situation. And, in a live interview on Sky after Man City had demolished Chelsea, it took him 10 seconds to effectively put the whole matter to rest.
Craig said: “I know what JT’s like and nothing surprises me about it, so I’m not going to comment on that guy. I think everyone in football knows what the guy’s like.”
And that’s that. No more hokum. Terry is a scumbag and you either accept it or you don’t. Thank you, Mr Bellamy, thank you.
Bellamy is one of those naturally divisive short men. (Playing in England, it probably also helps that he is Welsh.) Whatever he does he either inspires hate or admiration, usually the former.
I cannot help but have the greatest of admiration for the man. As a small man (in football terms, that is – he’s 5ft 9in) he’s had a career of playing second fiddle to a big man. He makes them look good and they don’t thank him for it.
That was exactly the case when Bellamy played with Alan Shearer at Newcastle. Here was the deal: Bellamy skins two defenders, hares into the box, draws the keeper, and lays the ball off to Shearer, who taps in. Shearer then takes all the plaudits as Bellamy seethes. Shearer could never understand why Bellamy would not acknowledge their feudal relationship as landowner and serf.
For anyone who has heard Shearer’s mixture of inane platitudes and bumptious arrogance as a TV pundit, we can only applaud any man who gets under his skin. Famously, Sam Allardyce tried to sign Bellamy back to Newcastle, a decision met with shock and derision by the then-retired Shearer. So angry was the ‘son of a sheet-metal worker from Gosforth’ that he used his Geordie legend status to effectively halt the signing and, moreover, put the hex on Allardyce’s entire reign at Newcastle. Ultimately, the upshot of this was that Newcastle were relegated while Allardyce’s current team, Blackburn, are comfortably mid-table in the Premier League. That’s what can happen when a short man fucks with your head.
We can only hope that Shearer is at home now, seething at Bellamy’s attack on the reputation of another former England captain. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he and JT might be sharing a text conversation about Bellamy, using the adjective ‘short’ as a casual pejorative.
Craig Bellamy: you are a modern-day hero.
Yes, it has taken some time before the world’s media thought to ask what Craig Bellamy’s take was on the situation. And, in a live interview on Sky after Man City had demolished Chelsea, it took him 10 seconds to effectively put the whole matter to rest.
Craig said: “I know what JT’s like and nothing surprises me about it, so I’m not going to comment on that guy. I think everyone in football knows what the guy’s like.”
And that’s that. No more hokum. Terry is a scumbag and you either accept it or you don’t. Thank you, Mr Bellamy, thank you.
Bellamy is one of those naturally divisive short men. (Playing in England, it probably also helps that he is Welsh.) Whatever he does he either inspires hate or admiration, usually the former.
I cannot help but have the greatest of admiration for the man. As a small man (in football terms, that is – he’s 5ft 9in) he’s had a career of playing second fiddle to a big man. He makes them look good and they don’t thank him for it.
That was exactly the case when Bellamy played with Alan Shearer at Newcastle. Here was the deal: Bellamy skins two defenders, hares into the box, draws the keeper, and lays the ball off to Shearer, who taps in. Shearer then takes all the plaudits as Bellamy seethes. Shearer could never understand why Bellamy would not acknowledge their feudal relationship as landowner and serf.
For anyone who has heard Shearer’s mixture of inane platitudes and bumptious arrogance as a TV pundit, we can only applaud any man who gets under his skin. Famously, Sam Allardyce tried to sign Bellamy back to Newcastle, a decision met with shock and derision by the then-retired Shearer. So angry was the ‘son of a sheet-metal worker from Gosforth’ that he used his Geordie legend status to effectively halt the signing and, moreover, put the hex on Allardyce’s entire reign at Newcastle. Ultimately, the upshot of this was that Newcastle were relegated while Allardyce’s current team, Blackburn, are comfortably mid-table in the Premier League. That’s what can happen when a short man fucks with your head.
We can only hope that Shearer is at home now, seething at Bellamy’s attack on the reputation of another former England captain. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he and JT might be sharing a text conversation about Bellamy, using the adjective ‘short’ as a casual pejorative.
Craig Bellamy: you are a modern-day hero.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Amis is a try-too-hard short man
I suppose it was obvious. The pomposity. The pretentious, attention-seeking use of language. The hate he inspires.
But until this week, I had never realised that Martin Amis was a shorty. He conceded, in a rare moment of straightforward candour this week, that he is 5ft 6 and a half inches. Which by my reckoning makes him just on the very periphery of short. He’s on the cusp of mediocre height, but not quite. For me, this explains why he has all the anger of the short man, with none of the self-deprecating humour. He is all fight and no charm.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/01/martin-amis-interview-pregnant-widow
Looking at it with clear eyes, now I have the salient fact to hand, it must be said that his being short is plastered all across Amis’s writing. Would anyone but a short man compose a first novel based around trying to pull a woman?
A bigger man would simply have got on with pulling the woman and gone home and written a heroic fantasy or a war fiction (the late, great heroic fantasy writer, David Gemmell, was a six-footer).
I did like The Rachel Papers – the cockiness of the central character trying to woo Rachel, his over-preparedness, his try-too-hard nature – because I identified with it.
I have not bothered reading any of his work since Money, but I am sure they are not as good as he thinks, nor as bad as his detractors would have us believe. Amis’s Yellow Dog book inspired one of the most legendary literary insults in recent years.
From Tibor Fischer: “The Yellow Dog isn’t bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It’s not-knowing-where-to-look bad…It’s like your favourite unclue being caught in a school playground, masturbating.”
Ouch.
He is a man, who through 'coining' words like 'apocollapse', 'horrorism' and 'edificide' while talking about 9/11 and Islam drew a column in the Guardian from Chris Morris, who suggests he is the new Abu Hamza.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/nov/25/bookscomment.religion
Now, while the role of this blog, if it has one, is to trumpet the achievements of the short man, and to strike back against unfair criticism, I can’t help but think that Amis falls into the ranks of short man as pantomime villain. In this category lies Nicholas Sarkozy, Australia cricket captain Ricky Ponting and, for the Englishman, Diego Maradona.
I’m not going to back Amis just because he is short. The bloke has honed his obnoxiousness too far for that. All I want to say is this: Amis would be an entirely different writer if he had as little as half an inch more height - or, better still, not a writer at all. That’s how finely balanced these things are. On this one, I'm very happy to sharpen my knives with everyone else. He deserves no mercy.
But until this week, I had never realised that Martin Amis was a shorty. He conceded, in a rare moment of straightforward candour this week, that he is 5ft 6 and a half inches. Which by my reckoning makes him just on the very periphery of short. He’s on the cusp of mediocre height, but not quite. For me, this explains why he has all the anger of the short man, with none of the self-deprecating humour. He is all fight and no charm.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/01/martin-amis-interview-pregnant-widow
Looking at it with clear eyes, now I have the salient fact to hand, it must be said that his being short is plastered all across Amis’s writing. Would anyone but a short man compose a first novel based around trying to pull a woman?
A bigger man would simply have got on with pulling the woman and gone home and written a heroic fantasy or a war fiction (the late, great heroic fantasy writer, David Gemmell, was a six-footer).
I did like The Rachel Papers – the cockiness of the central character trying to woo Rachel, his over-preparedness, his try-too-hard nature – because I identified with it.
I have not bothered reading any of his work since Money, but I am sure they are not as good as he thinks, nor as bad as his detractors would have us believe. Amis’s Yellow Dog book inspired one of the most legendary literary insults in recent years.
From Tibor Fischer: “The Yellow Dog isn’t bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It’s not-knowing-where-to-look bad…It’s like your favourite unclue being caught in a school playground, masturbating.”
Ouch.
He is a man, who through 'coining' words like 'apocollapse', 'horrorism' and 'edificide' while talking about 9/11 and Islam drew a column in the Guardian from Chris Morris, who suggests he is the new Abu Hamza.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/nov/25/bookscomment.religion
Now, while the role of this blog, if it has one, is to trumpet the achievements of the short man, and to strike back against unfair criticism, I can’t help but think that Amis falls into the ranks of short man as pantomime villain. In this category lies Nicholas Sarkozy, Australia cricket captain Ricky Ponting and, for the Englishman, Diego Maradona.
I’m not going to back Amis just because he is short. The bloke has honed his obnoxiousness too far for that. All I want to say is this: Amis would be an entirely different writer if he had as little as half an inch more height - or, better still, not a writer at all. That’s how finely balanced these things are. On this one, I'm very happy to sharpen my knives with everyone else. He deserves no mercy.
Page 3 targets short men
I may be becoming increasingly sensitive to anti-short man jibes after starting this blog. But, it seems i cannot even relax while looking at page 3 in the Sun without becoming distracted by the height issue.
In a recent edition I turned to page 3. There was Poppy, 18, from Somerset, poolside, looking very fetching while wearing not very much at all.
What has Poppy got to say about current affairs.
Namely, this:
Poppy is 5ft 5in and has a big concern after learning that PC Rob Port is believed to be Britain's smallest cop at just 5ft. She said: "I was always taught that you should look up to bobbies."
Now, while I shall not stop reading the Sun, nor looking at page 3, it is with a slight nervous anxiety that I do so. Poppy, 18, from Somerset, how could you!?
In a recent edition I turned to page 3. There was Poppy, 18, from Somerset, poolside, looking very fetching while wearing not very much at all.
What has Poppy got to say about current affairs.
Namely, this:
Poppy is 5ft 5in and has a big concern after learning that PC Rob Port is believed to be Britain's smallest cop at just 5ft. She said: "I was always taught that you should look up to bobbies."
Now, while I shall not stop reading the Sun, nor looking at page 3, it is with a slight nervous anxiety that I do so. Poppy, 18, from Somerset, how could you!?
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Cristiano: short man to blame for my sending-off
We know that Cristiano Ronaldo is offensive to most human beings. Never has a fabulously gifted footballer attracted more hatred from the football-loving fraternity.
I was definitely in the camp of those people who breathed a sigh of relief when Ronaldo finally departed these shores for Madrid where his ego could be given freer reign. No man has ever been booed by more fans more consistently (with all due respect to Ashley Cole in his efforts to inspire bile and loathing).
But it seems even after securing his much-vaunted ‘dream’ move to Real Madrid, Ronaldo can’t stop inspiring hate. He had already been sent off once this season, and against Malaga at the weekend he picked up his second red card for a vicious sideswipe on Patrick Mtiliga.
His defence of his actions are always singular in their outrageousness. And when asked for his reaction to breaking another player’s nose it is best to give it up to the man himself.
Cristiano said: 'I've seen worse things in other games. I didn't mean to injure the lad. It was bad luck to hit him on the nose because he's only 1.70m and if he had been taller I would have struck his chest.'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1245834/I-didnt-mean-Real-Madrid-star-Cristiano-Ronaldo-sent-breaking-Patrick-Mtiligas-nose.html#ixzz0dnRn65hN
So, if this blog has its heroes (see previous post), Cristiano has now joined the ranks of the anti-short man villain. From London to Madrid: “BOO!!”
I was definitely in the camp of those people who breathed a sigh of relief when Ronaldo finally departed these shores for Madrid where his ego could be given freer reign. No man has ever been booed by more fans more consistently (with all due respect to Ashley Cole in his efforts to inspire bile and loathing).
But it seems even after securing his much-vaunted ‘dream’ move to Real Madrid, Ronaldo can’t stop inspiring hate. He had already been sent off once this season, and against Malaga at the weekend he picked up his second red card for a vicious sideswipe on Patrick Mtiliga.
His defence of his actions are always singular in their outrageousness. And when asked for his reaction to breaking another player’s nose it is best to give it up to the man himself.
Cristiano said: 'I've seen worse things in other games. I didn't mean to injure the lad. It was bad luck to hit him on the nose because he's only 1.70m and if he had been taller I would have struck his chest.'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1245834/I-didnt-mean-Real-Madrid-star-Cristiano-Ronaldo-sent-breaking-Patrick-Mtiligas-nose.html#ixzz0dnRn65hN
So, if this blog has its heroes (see previous post), Cristiano has now joined the ranks of the anti-short man villain. From London to Madrid: “BOO!!”
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