Pleased to report that one of my bethren, Kebede Tsegay (5ft 2ins) of Ethiopia, has just stormed to win. And the ever-lovely BBC commentators were quick to mock the man. Knuckle-headed six footer, Steve Cram, using his razor-sharp wit and expert analysis, noted that Kebede was wearing a very large watch and was surprised that such a small man could wear something of that size. His fellow commentator suggested it might be the difference between a personal best and not.
This is within seconds of Kebede wrapping the win up, and before second place had finished. This is surely a most outrageous case of what you might call large man syndrome from Cram who can't bear to see the short man win and has nothing decent to say apart from cretinous comments.
This result also leaves me to wonder whether the short man is at a natural advantage in distance running events. Kebede is very short, as is Haile Gebrsellasie, the current marathon world record holder. Perhaps there is something in the height weight distribution which does put those of us lucky enough to be under 5ft 7ins at a natural advantage.
Still doesn't mean I'm going to be taking up running any time soon - weak knees is my excuse, and the knowledge I could be an amazing distance runner if I want to demonstrate the fact.
Sunday 25 April 2010
Wednesday 21 April 2010
Perfect weekend for Jermain Defoe
A perfect weekend for one of the sporting darlings of this blog. Yes, Jermain Defoe (5ft 6.5ins) got two major write-ups in this week's News of the World. He bagged the front page of the sport section with his goal for Spurs against Chelsea to raise the prospect of a top-four finish for his team.
And the predatory Defoe also made it into the news pages for a 'brazen sex act' in a car just 100 yards - that's just 100 YARDS (gasp!) - from children playing in a leafy Hertfordshire village.
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/786122/England-ace-Jermain-Defoe-caught-playing-foul-with-red-head-in-car.html
I think we've confirmed beyond all doubt that the genius short man has a predisposition excessive sexual encounters. But what with Defoe's red-hot form this season, allied to his almost constant presence in the celeb columns, I believe that for Defoe, the two things go hand-in-hand. Without the prowling for sexual partners, you would not have the goalscoring prowess.
What concerns me is that during the World Cup Fabio Capello might be too strict on our star man, and not allow him the attention from women he deserves, possibly hampering our striker's chances of doing his best for his country. I'm sure Fabio would allow Jermain special dispensation to roam the streets of South Africa late at night looking for women if he realised how important it was to this short man to have his manliness reaffirmed by random women before big games. I imagine Fabio, in his wisdom, has this all in hand, but it would be nice to know that he has Jermain's wellbeing is being fully considered as we approach the World Cup.
And the predatory Defoe also made it into the news pages for a 'brazen sex act' in a car just 100 yards - that's just 100 YARDS (gasp!) - from children playing in a leafy Hertfordshire village.
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/786122/England-ace-Jermain-Defoe-caught-playing-foul-with-red-head-in-car.html
I think we've confirmed beyond all doubt that the genius short man has a predisposition excessive sexual encounters. But what with Defoe's red-hot form this season, allied to his almost constant presence in the celeb columns, I believe that for Defoe, the two things go hand-in-hand. Without the prowling for sexual partners, you would not have the goalscoring prowess.
What concerns me is that during the World Cup Fabio Capello might be too strict on our star man, and not allow him the attention from women he deserves, possibly hampering our striker's chances of doing his best for his country. I'm sure Fabio would allow Jermain special dispensation to roam the streets of South Africa late at night looking for women if he realised how important it was to this short man to have his manliness reaffirmed by random women before big games. I imagine Fabio, in his wisdom, has this all in hand, but it would be nice to know that he has Jermain's wellbeing is being fully considered as we approach the World Cup.
Thursday 15 April 2010
Mos Def at the Shepherds Bush Empire
Yes, it was rap night at the Shepherds Bush Empire last night with Mos Def playing (pretty good, but not great).
Anyone under six foot will know the peril that is the Empire. The combination of flat auditorium and high stage - and the recent trend of basketball players going to gigs - means that if you're not above average height you haven't got a sniff of seeing the action on stage.
I went to see Devendra Banhart there last year and spent half the gig moving through thickets of tall men before resigning myself to staring at the back of some monster in front of me for the gig's duration.
For Mos Def we got in there early, firstly in the hope of a decent support act (bunch of chaps trying and failing to be the Stereo MCs) and also to secure one of the very few vantage points to the edge of the bar. Getting there at 7.45 one of these spots was already taken with - wait for it - a couple, both of whom were over six feet. To add insult to injury, another giant in a baseball cap actually pushed past to get a vantage.
It is moments like these when the small man thinks to himself - bugger trying and failing to watch people perform, I'm going to get up there and myself. (ref: Ian Brown, Richard Ashcroft, Aston JLS, etc., etc.)
Anyone under six foot will know the peril that is the Empire. The combination of flat auditorium and high stage - and the recent trend of basketball players going to gigs - means that if you're not above average height you haven't got a sniff of seeing the action on stage.
I went to see Devendra Banhart there last year and spent half the gig moving through thickets of tall men before resigning myself to staring at the back of some monster in front of me for the gig's duration.
For Mos Def we got in there early, firstly in the hope of a decent support act (bunch of chaps trying and failing to be the Stereo MCs) and also to secure one of the very few vantage points to the edge of the bar. Getting there at 7.45 one of these spots was already taken with - wait for it - a couple, both of whom were over six feet. To add insult to injury, another giant in a baseball cap actually pushed past to get a vantage.
It is moments like these when the small man thinks to himself - bugger trying and failing to watch people perform, I'm going to get up there and myself. (ref: Ian Brown, Richard Ashcroft, Aston JLS, etc., etc.)
Sunday 11 April 2010
Short man Stalin makes the papers!
I was startled to see Joseph Stalin (5ft 4ins) making an appearance in today's News of the World.
Entitled Curse of Stalin, the story attempts to pin the deaths of the Polish political elite on the famously short dictator. Everyone knows Stalin racked up an horrendously large death toll in his time, including many Poles, but to say he is still up to his usual tricks is going some.
The politicians were killed in a plane crash on their way to a memorial for officers killed in an atrocity ordered by Stalin. And so, in some quasi-Dan Brown fantasy cooked up by hack Philip Whiteside, the piece tacitly suggests that the only possible culprit for this tragic event is Stalin himself.
In the fetid imagination of the Screws hack that he must see a godlike Stalin reaching beyond his grave, grabbing the plane out of the sky and saying to the Poles: "There! That's what you get for rejecting Communism! Your democratic ideals make me sick!"
And promptly slamming the plane down to earth.
Hmmm. Or perhaps the plane was just caught in some fog. It's hard to tell which is more likely.
Entitled Curse of Stalin, the story attempts to pin the deaths of the Polish political elite on the famously short dictator. Everyone knows Stalin racked up an horrendously large death toll in his time, including many Poles, but to say he is still up to his usual tricks is going some.
The politicians were killed in a plane crash on their way to a memorial for officers killed in an atrocity ordered by Stalin. And so, in some quasi-Dan Brown fantasy cooked up by hack Philip Whiteside, the piece tacitly suggests that the only possible culprit for this tragic event is Stalin himself.
In the fetid imagination of the Screws hack that he must see a godlike Stalin reaching beyond his grave, grabbing the plane out of the sky and saying to the Poles: "There! That's what you get for rejecting Communism! Your democratic ideals make me sick!"
And promptly slamming the plane down to earth.
Hmmm. Or perhaps the plane was just caught in some fog. It's hard to tell which is more likely.
Wednesday 7 April 2010
World cup build-up begins with jingoistic attack on short man Maradona
Qualification is over, the summer is drawing near. And so the build-up to the World Cup can begin in earnest.
For the England fan this takes on a very familiar form. First, forget all previous World Cups apart from the one we won in 1966. Second, casually play down the claims of better teams such as Germany and Brazil.
But most of all, begin the jingoistic hatred of the Argie, in particular their 5ft 5ins manager, Diego Armando Maradona.
The English hate Maradona for very good reason. He is the greatest player of all time. He is an Argie – our desperate foe in the Falklands War. He hates the English. And, to make matters worse, he is short.
Maradona did the England football fan the great service of crystallising their hatred of him and his nation in a single moment; namely, the Hand of God goal in the 1986 World Cup. Maradona was at the peak of his powers. He had already ripped to shreds the English defence – the ape-like Terry Butcher included – to score one of the greatest goals of all time.
But Diego knew that to truly inflame the English he needed to not just beat them through wondrous skill. He needed to cheat as well. Thus, when he rose for a header against Peter Shilton he decided to reach up and knock the ball into the net with his hand.
The sheer impudence of it was magnificent. Shilton is about a foot taller than him and, as a goalie, could use his hands. So how on earth could Maradona win the ball, legally?
He couldn’t. But in that World Cup, when Maradona convinced the world he could do anything, the referee succumbed to believe that this ‘pint size’ player could also leap higher than a six-foot goalie.
Maradona is now in charge of the Argentina football team. And while he has shown himself to have little tactical nous, unfortunately for the English, he doesn’t really need any. All he has to do is pick Lionel Messi, tell the rest of his players to give him the ball, and the pesky Argies will have a much better chance of winning the World Cup than England.
Which leaves the England football fan in the position of having no option but to take recourse in the old sport of mocking Maradona. And last week, Diego gave the perfect opportunity, by getting bitten on the face by his dog, while trying to kiss her.
This made front page news for the Sun, with its oh so witty headline, Hand of Dog. This prompted a decent flurry of comments on the newspaper’s website with one chappie saying succinctly, ‘it is God’s punishment for him cheating on England.’
Well said. Always best to get the abuse in first before the Argies, led by their titchy maestro, start plotting our demise in the most dastardly manner.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2914190/Snoggy-with-doggy-leaves-Diego-groggy.html
For the England fan this takes on a very familiar form. First, forget all previous World Cups apart from the one we won in 1966. Second, casually play down the claims of better teams such as Germany and Brazil.
But most of all, begin the jingoistic hatred of the Argie, in particular their 5ft 5ins manager, Diego Armando Maradona.
The English hate Maradona for very good reason. He is the greatest player of all time. He is an Argie – our desperate foe in the Falklands War. He hates the English. And, to make matters worse, he is short.
Maradona did the England football fan the great service of crystallising their hatred of him and his nation in a single moment; namely, the Hand of God goal in the 1986 World Cup. Maradona was at the peak of his powers. He had already ripped to shreds the English defence – the ape-like Terry Butcher included – to score one of the greatest goals of all time.
But Diego knew that to truly inflame the English he needed to not just beat them through wondrous skill. He needed to cheat as well. Thus, when he rose for a header against Peter Shilton he decided to reach up and knock the ball into the net with his hand.
The sheer impudence of it was magnificent. Shilton is about a foot taller than him and, as a goalie, could use his hands. So how on earth could Maradona win the ball, legally?
He couldn’t. But in that World Cup, when Maradona convinced the world he could do anything, the referee succumbed to believe that this ‘pint size’ player could also leap higher than a six-foot goalie.
Maradona is now in charge of the Argentina football team. And while he has shown himself to have little tactical nous, unfortunately for the English, he doesn’t really need any. All he has to do is pick Lionel Messi, tell the rest of his players to give him the ball, and the pesky Argies will have a much better chance of winning the World Cup than England.
Which leaves the England football fan in the position of having no option but to take recourse in the old sport of mocking Maradona. And last week, Diego gave the perfect opportunity, by getting bitten on the face by his dog, while trying to kiss her.
This made front page news for the Sun, with its oh so witty headline, Hand of Dog. This prompted a decent flurry of comments on the newspaper’s website with one chappie saying succinctly, ‘it is God’s punishment for him cheating on England.’
Well said. Always best to get the abuse in first before the Argies, led by their titchy maestro, start plotting our demise in the most dastardly manner.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2914190/Snoggy-with-doggy-leaves-Diego-groggy.html
Sunday 4 April 2010
Aston from JLS - more than just a short man who does a backflip
I switched on my telly yesterday and to my delight there was Aston from JLS doing his thing - namely, that cheeky backflip.
This was a re-run of a live performance from last year but the delerious cries from the audience did leave me to consider if JLS would even be a going concern without Aston. I asked the question rhetorically because it is plain for any lover of Britain's Biggest Boyband Since East 17 that Aston is carrying the rest of the group into the limelight.
For the uninformed, Aston is the short one in the group and therefore of interest to this blog. He shares vocal duties with the rest of the band but in every other way keeps the group going.
As we have noted, most successful short men are incorrigible flirts, and Aston is no exception. In the great days of the London Lite and thelondonpaper (how I miss that Germanic word compound) day after day, there he was, out on the town doing his bit to keep JLS in the public's gaze.
Now, in these days of austerity, without the daily celeb fix from the London frees, we have to wait for Heat to come out each week to find out what Aston has been up to. And in the latest edition the intrepid Heat reporters have 'uncovered' that Aston is dating one of the Saturdays (it matters not which) therein linking JLS to the Britain's Best Girl Group Since Girls Aloud.
No doubt this liaison was thrashed out in summit between agents, in a modern version of a royal marriage, but casting aside any cynicism, you have to admire Aston's willingness to do whatever it takes to keep JLS on top.
So, my message to the other members of JLS is this. If you think Aston is simply the little one who does the backflip you are severely underestimating him. Out of the four chaps in the group, only Aston has what it takes for a successful solo career. Make him feel wanted - you need Aston more than he needs you
This was a re-run of a live performance from last year but the delerious cries from the audience did leave me to consider if JLS would even be a going concern without Aston. I asked the question rhetorically because it is plain for any lover of Britain's Biggest Boyband Since East 17 that Aston is carrying the rest of the group into the limelight.
For the uninformed, Aston is the short one in the group and therefore of interest to this blog. He shares vocal duties with the rest of the band but in every other way keeps the group going.
As we have noted, most successful short men are incorrigible flirts, and Aston is no exception. In the great days of the London Lite and thelondonpaper (how I miss that Germanic word compound) day after day, there he was, out on the town doing his bit to keep JLS in the public's gaze.
Now, in these days of austerity, without the daily celeb fix from the London frees, we have to wait for Heat to come out each week to find out what Aston has been up to. And in the latest edition the intrepid Heat reporters have 'uncovered' that Aston is dating one of the Saturdays (it matters not which) therein linking JLS to the Britain's Best Girl Group Since Girls Aloud.
No doubt this liaison was thrashed out in summit between agents, in a modern version of a royal marriage, but casting aside any cynicism, you have to admire Aston's willingness to do whatever it takes to keep JLS on top.
So, my message to the other members of JLS is this. If you think Aston is simply the little one who does the backflip you are severely underestimating him. Out of the four chaps in the group, only Aston has what it takes for a successful solo career. Make him feel wanted - you need Aston more than he needs you
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