We know that Cristiano Ronaldo is offensive to most human beings. Never has a fabulously gifted footballer attracted more hatred from the football-loving fraternity.
I was definitely in the camp of those people who breathed a sigh of relief when Ronaldo finally departed these shores for Madrid where his ego could be given freer reign. No man has ever been booed by more fans more consistently (with all due respect to Ashley Cole in his efforts to inspire bile and loathing).
But it seems even after securing his much-vaunted ‘dream’ move to Real Madrid, Ronaldo can’t stop inspiring hate. He had already been sent off once this season, and against Malaga at the weekend he picked up his second red card for a vicious sideswipe on Patrick Mtiliga.
His defence of his actions are always singular in their outrageousness. And when asked for his reaction to breaking another player’s nose it is best to give it up to the man himself.
Cristiano said: 'I've seen worse things in other games. I didn't mean to injure the lad. It was bad luck to hit him on the nose because he's only 1.70m and if he had been taller I would have struck his chest.'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1245834/I-didnt-mean-Real-Madrid-star-Cristiano-Ronaldo-sent-breaking-Patrick-Mtiligas-nose.html#ixzz0dnRn65hN
So, if this blog has its heroes (see previous post), Cristiano has now joined the ranks of the anti-short man villain. From London to Madrid: “BOO!!”
Tuesday 26 January 2010
Sisqo evicted from Celeb BB house
I have had a few days to recover my natural bouyant temperant after learning of the sad news that Sisqo had been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house. Now the dust has settled it is time to see what can we learn about this great short man.
One thing is for certain. The tall men in the house: Vinnie Jones, Alex Reid, and Jonas, felt threatened by Sisqo. It was clear that the hard nut footballer, the dimwitted cagefighter and the very bland DJ saw in Sisqo a man with whom they could not compete on level terms.
In the eviction hearing last Friday, Vinnie came straight in the diary room sat down and said: “Sisqo.” He clearly didn’t even see the need to explain himself. Sisqo out. And who can blame him? Since the infamous nutgrab on Gazza back in the early ‘90s, Vinnie has always had a problem with creativity, and seeks to quash it whenever it comes within his grasp.
Alex was equally direct. “Sisqo is a threat.” He saw the man behind the classic hits Thong Song and Unleash the Dragon as a man who could take the Celeb BB title. No doubt Sisqo was a threat to his idea of masculinity: namely, to fight in cages for a job and crossdress in his spare time.
Jonas, whose music I have no knowledge of but who seems to be nice-but-dim, also wanted Sisqo out. Jonas is above six foot, and I have no doubt hanging round with a short R&B legend like Sisqo did his head in after a few days.
Out in the real world, having a cursory glance at popular opinion on youtube and other centres of the most up-to-date thinking, Sisqo has widely been acknowledged as a legend, a lover (particularly in Switzerland). Of course he has divided opinion: the short man always will.
No doubt he will now need to go into some sort of detoxification after three weeks in the company of Vinnie Jones, but after that process is complete I hope he reassumes his position at the top table of R&B music. Peace, Sisqo!
One thing is for certain. The tall men in the house: Vinnie Jones, Alex Reid, and Jonas, felt threatened by Sisqo. It was clear that the hard nut footballer, the dimwitted cagefighter and the very bland DJ saw in Sisqo a man with whom they could not compete on level terms.
In the eviction hearing last Friday, Vinnie came straight in the diary room sat down and said: “Sisqo.” He clearly didn’t even see the need to explain himself. Sisqo out. And who can blame him? Since the infamous nutgrab on Gazza back in the early ‘90s, Vinnie has always had a problem with creativity, and seeks to quash it whenever it comes within his grasp.
Alex was equally direct. “Sisqo is a threat.” He saw the man behind the classic hits Thong Song and Unleash the Dragon as a man who could take the Celeb BB title. No doubt Sisqo was a threat to his idea of masculinity: namely, to fight in cages for a job and crossdress in his spare time.
Jonas, whose music I have no knowledge of but who seems to be nice-but-dim, also wanted Sisqo out. Jonas is above six foot, and I have no doubt hanging round with a short R&B legend like Sisqo did his head in after a few days.
Out in the real world, having a cursory glance at popular opinion on youtube and other centres of the most up-to-date thinking, Sisqo has widely been acknowledged as a legend, a lover (particularly in Switzerland). Of course he has divided opinion: the short man always will.
No doubt he will now need to go into some sort of detoxification after three weeks in the company of Vinnie Jones, but after that process is complete I hope he reassumes his position at the top table of R&B music. Peace, Sisqo!
Saturday 23 January 2010
The wit and wisdom of Will Greenwood
Nice to see former England rugby player Will Greenwood showing his lighthearted side in the Guardian yesterday. He talks about the japes fellow international Austin Healey used to play on him – such as hiding poor Will’s lucky socks while on tour.
And as an explanation of why Austin – who at 5ft 8ins is not technically short, but is when compared with those monstrous beasts that roam the rugby field – would do such things, Will explains it quite simply: Austin Healey has short man syndrome.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2010/jan/22/small-talk-will-greenwood
What a striking putdown, Will! To explain that Austin Healey is channeling his natural rage at being small by playing practical jokes on bigger men. In essence, Will is saying: ‘I wouldn’t normally put up with this kind of thing, but Austin is short. He can’t help it, poor chap.’
I’ll be honest here. I loathe English rugby players. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in a room with Will Carling and Jeremy Guscott. Will Carling's chin is on its own the most smug thing I have ever seen.
Growing up in Essex, I had no concept of rugby players. I didn’t play rugby and I didn’t know anyone who did. It was only at university that I came across the concept of the ‘rugby lad.’ The sight of three rugby lads urinating off a second floor balcony at my student halls while shouting obscenities told me everything I needed to know about this peculiar breed of Englishman.
So, in that context, saying that a shortish man has short man syndrome really does count as razor-sharp wit indeed. So jolly good show, Mr Greenwood.
And as an explanation of why Austin – who at 5ft 8ins is not technically short, but is when compared with those monstrous beasts that roam the rugby field – would do such things, Will explains it quite simply: Austin Healey has short man syndrome.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2010/jan/22/small-talk-will-greenwood
What a striking putdown, Will! To explain that Austin Healey is channeling his natural rage at being small by playing practical jokes on bigger men. In essence, Will is saying: ‘I wouldn’t normally put up with this kind of thing, but Austin is short. He can’t help it, poor chap.’
I’ll be honest here. I loathe English rugby players. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in a room with Will Carling and Jeremy Guscott. Will Carling's chin is on its own the most smug thing I have ever seen.
Growing up in Essex, I had no concept of rugby players. I didn’t play rugby and I didn’t know anyone who did. It was only at university that I came across the concept of the ‘rugby lad.’ The sight of three rugby lads urinating off a second floor balcony at my student halls while shouting obscenities told me everything I needed to know about this peculiar breed of Englishman.
So, in that context, saying that a shortish man has short man syndrome really does count as razor-sharp wit indeed. So jolly good show, Mr Greenwood.
Tuesday 12 January 2010
Jamie Cullum in marriage shocker!!!
In the modern day, few celeb relationships have drawn the anti-small man ire among the journalistic community more than that of Jamie Cullum and Sophie Dahl.
Let’s check the facts. Cullum is the most successful jazz pianist ever to come out of Britain. Okay, so he doesn't quite have the artistic credibility of someone like back-in-the-day hero George Shearing. But the bloke knows his jazz, loves it, and is very, very popular.
Sophie Dahl is a successful model and, more recently, cookery writer and granddaughter of Roald Dahl. As successful, intelligent British celebrities of a similar vintage, they would appear to be a happy lovematch.
Not to the media. Their relationship is deemed strange and peculiar and a valid target for sneering and mirth. Why? Well, because Cullum is shorter than Dahl. Incredible! I mean, who would credit it?
Therefore, Cullum is pointedly condemned as “pintsized” while Dahl is hailed “statuesque” by the Daily Mail.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1242166/Naked-truth-feuding-Calendar-Girls.html
The Telegraph explicitly points out that the couple’s height difference has been the subject of much joking in the press.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/6967447/Sophie-Dahl-and-Jamie-Cullum-marry.html
Cullum, showing a clear lack of decency and respect for the media, said: “It’s hard to see it as a problem when we are very happy.”
And, worse, the couple decided to have a small scale wedding without letting Hello or OK in to take pictures. Some people will never learn.
Let’s check the facts. Cullum is the most successful jazz pianist ever to come out of Britain. Okay, so he doesn't quite have the artistic credibility of someone like back-in-the-day hero George Shearing. But the bloke knows his jazz, loves it, and is very, very popular.
Sophie Dahl is a successful model and, more recently, cookery writer and granddaughter of Roald Dahl. As successful, intelligent British celebrities of a similar vintage, they would appear to be a happy lovematch.
Not to the media. Their relationship is deemed strange and peculiar and a valid target for sneering and mirth. Why? Well, because Cullum is shorter than Dahl. Incredible! I mean, who would credit it?
Therefore, Cullum is pointedly condemned as “pintsized” while Dahl is hailed “statuesque” by the Daily Mail.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1242166/Naked-truth-feuding-Calendar-Girls.html
The Telegraph explicitly points out that the couple’s height difference has been the subject of much joking in the press.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/6967447/Sophie-Dahl-and-Jamie-Cullum-marry.html
Cullum, showing a clear lack of decency and respect for the media, said: “It’s hard to see it as a problem when we are very happy.”
And, worse, the couple decided to have a small scale wedding without letting Hello or OK in to take pictures. Some people will never learn.
Friday 8 January 2010
Short men more likely to get lung disease
News today on the BBC that short people are more likely to get lung disease. A large study pulls out a stat that, on average, those with the nasty-sounding Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease are 1.12cms shorter on average than the general population.
No doubt the mediocre-sized population will sieze on this news as evidence that short people are inherently weak, diseased, heading to an early grave, our lack of height symbolic of an underlying ill health.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8446552.stm
From my point of view, maybe this means there are small people out there who could have gained that mediocre status of being average-sized, but because of smoking too many fags instead of eating broccoli, ended up being small. So perhaps there are two groups of small people, the genuinely small, and those who just didn’t eat enough veg to get up to their predestined height.
I can say for myself, I am genuinely small. I haven’t got this way by missing meals or being generally sickly. I eat a solid three meals a day, plus snacks, and am full of health. And yet I am my 5ft 4ins. I would contend that whether you are genuinely small, or small because of ill health, too many fags, or sheer lack of will to grow, it’s all good.
I look forward to the mid-sized majority regarding my brethren (Sisqo, Aston from JLS, and everyone else) explicitly as a troubling minority, misunderstood and avowedly different.
No doubt the mediocre-sized population will sieze on this news as evidence that short people are inherently weak, diseased, heading to an early grave, our lack of height symbolic of an underlying ill health.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8446552.stm
From my point of view, maybe this means there are small people out there who could have gained that mediocre status of being average-sized, but because of smoking too many fags instead of eating broccoli, ended up being small. So perhaps there are two groups of small people, the genuinely small, and those who just didn’t eat enough veg to get up to their predestined height.
I can say for myself, I am genuinely small. I haven’t got this way by missing meals or being generally sickly. I eat a solid three meals a day, plus snacks, and am full of health. And yet I am my 5ft 4ins. I would contend that whether you are genuinely small, or small because of ill health, too many fags, or sheer lack of will to grow, it’s all good.
I look forward to the mid-sized majority regarding my brethren (Sisqo, Aston from JLS, and everyone else) explicitly as a troubling minority, misunderstood and avowedly different.
Wednesday 6 January 2010
Short man Sisqo enters the Celebrity Big Brother house
Scanning the list of names served up for the annual reality hell of celebrity Big Brother, I was absolutely delighted to note that Sisqo had entered the fray.
I am a massive fan of Sisqo. His hit, Unleash the Dragon, was a marvellous mix of swing beats, soul vocals and swagger. The follow-up, Thong Song, rightly became an international best seller. The chorus, concluding with the line, “that thong, th-thong, thong-thong,” remains a popular refrain a decade after it hit the charts.
It was the sort of line I would expect from that other R&B great, R Kelly. But, on reflection, that level of insight is impossible for a man of R Kelly’s height, standing as he does somewhere over six feet.
Thong Song was clearly the work of a short man, what with his eye level being that much nearer to thong level. A quick survey of the net puts Sisqo’s height at anywhere between 5’ 2” and 5’ 5”. As the upper figure is the singer’s own estimate, it can be safely discounted.
The video for the Thong Song is a wonderful thing. How splendid it is to see our man in the back of a drop top, regulation honeys at his side, and Sisqo’s feet swinging high above the car’s floor. Peerless.
Of course, a man of this size and talent is undoubtedly going to find himself at the centre of attention in the Big Brother household, even with men of the calibre of Another Level’s Dane Bowers in his midst. And so it has proved.
Sisqo has made friends with the youngest and most beautiful woman in the house, Ronnie Wood’s ex, the Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina. The sniping from the press at a small man trying to make his way in the world has started early.
The Daily Mirror's 3am girls, never ones to pass up a cheap insult, have tagged the R&B superstar, ‘short man syndrome Sisqo.’
Now, why might that be? Is this because he is rich and successful…and short? Is it because he is making a play for the lovely Ekaterina? Or is it mindless bigotry of the type not allowed in print against people of different race or sexuality?
The man behind the Thong Song surely deserves better. We will be watching.
http://www.3am.co.uk/alex-reid-breaks-jordans-rules-on-celebrity-big-brother/20566/
I am a massive fan of Sisqo. His hit, Unleash the Dragon, was a marvellous mix of swing beats, soul vocals and swagger. The follow-up, Thong Song, rightly became an international best seller. The chorus, concluding with the line, “that thong, th-thong, thong-thong,” remains a popular refrain a decade after it hit the charts.
It was the sort of line I would expect from that other R&B great, R Kelly. But, on reflection, that level of insight is impossible for a man of R Kelly’s height, standing as he does somewhere over six feet.
Thong Song was clearly the work of a short man, what with his eye level being that much nearer to thong level. A quick survey of the net puts Sisqo’s height at anywhere between 5’ 2” and 5’ 5”. As the upper figure is the singer’s own estimate, it can be safely discounted.
The video for the Thong Song is a wonderful thing. How splendid it is to see our man in the back of a drop top, regulation honeys at his side, and Sisqo’s feet swinging high above the car’s floor. Peerless.
Of course, a man of this size and talent is undoubtedly going to find himself at the centre of attention in the Big Brother household, even with men of the calibre of Another Level’s Dane Bowers in his midst. And so it has proved.
Sisqo has made friends with the youngest and most beautiful woman in the house, Ronnie Wood’s ex, the Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina. The sniping from the press at a small man trying to make his way in the world has started early.
The Daily Mirror's 3am girls, never ones to pass up a cheap insult, have tagged the R&B superstar, ‘short man syndrome Sisqo.’
Now, why might that be? Is this because he is rich and successful…and short? Is it because he is making a play for the lovely Ekaterina? Or is it mindless bigotry of the type not allowed in print against people of different race or sexuality?
The man behind the Thong Song surely deserves better. We will be watching.
http://www.3am.co.uk/alex-reid-breaks-jordans-rules-on-celebrity-big-brother/20566/
Tuesday 5 January 2010
Calling all short men
I suppose by doing this blog I’m trying to work out what it means to be small.
So I’ve started gathering evidence of the short man experience. Google news alerts for the key subject matter: Sarkozy, Ricky Ponting, Jamie Cullum, Aston Merrygold from JLS.
I’m putting my bait out there to see what pops up. The first alert I received under “short men” was an article in the Los Angeles Times about malice in South Korean society. A Seoul college student, appearing on a popular TV show, stood up and said that “short men are losers.” Uncalled for, unjust, and unpleasant. But an internet campaign of led by short Koreans forced the student to withdraw from Facebook, apologising profusely as she went. Good stuff.
A fellow called Mohammed posted a plaintive open question on Yahoo: “Why did God make me short?”
Firstly, I’m staggered that someone should throw such a personal question out over the internet to see what random responses come back.
Typically, I suppose, he gets a mix of anti-islamic nutjobs, anti-short man jibes, anti-religious nutjobs. There is some support from women saying, don’t worry, at least you aren’t disabled or have AIDS. (I agree, being short is less bad than having AIDS.)
And then there are a couple of small chaps, putting an arm round the shoulder of Mohammed. Another guy who is really struggling with being small. He concludes that he wouldn’t wish being small on his worst enemy.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100102011607AACJ0ub
This is some heavy stuff, and I’m only just scratching the surface of this short man thing. The average-sized world really lays it on thick for the smaller chap. I’m here to get the small man to push his chest out, thinking of all the greats out there: Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino. And of course the R&B superstar, Sisqo, making his entry into the Celebrity Big Brother house…
So I’ve started gathering evidence of the short man experience. Google news alerts for the key subject matter: Sarkozy, Ricky Ponting, Jamie Cullum, Aston Merrygold from JLS.
I’m putting my bait out there to see what pops up. The first alert I received under “short men” was an article in the Los Angeles Times about malice in South Korean society. A Seoul college student, appearing on a popular TV show, stood up and said that “short men are losers.” Uncalled for, unjust, and unpleasant. But an internet campaign of led by short Koreans forced the student to withdraw from Facebook, apologising profusely as she went. Good stuff.
A fellow called Mohammed posted a plaintive open question on Yahoo: “Why did God make me short?”
Firstly, I’m staggered that someone should throw such a personal question out over the internet to see what random responses come back.
Typically, I suppose, he gets a mix of anti-islamic nutjobs, anti-short man jibes, anti-religious nutjobs. There is some support from women saying, don’t worry, at least you aren’t disabled or have AIDS. (I agree, being short is less bad than having AIDS.)
And then there are a couple of small chaps, putting an arm round the shoulder of Mohammed. Another guy who is really struggling with being small. He concludes that he wouldn’t wish being small on his worst enemy.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100102011607AACJ0ub
This is some heavy stuff, and I’m only just scratching the surface of this short man thing. The average-sized world really lays it on thick for the smaller chap. I’m here to get the small man to push his chest out, thinking of all the greats out there: Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino. And of course the R&B superstar, Sisqo, making his entry into the Celebrity Big Brother house…
Monday 4 January 2010
I am a short man
I am a short man. About 5 ft 4 inches in my socks.
How small is that? Bigger than Prince, about the same height as Stalin. A touch shorter than Maradona and Tom Cruise.
The specifics don’t matter. I’m short. Below the 5ft 7inch mark: that line which marks the small from the respectably middle-sized.
I was the second shortest in my year at school. Then Ian Rutter put on a growth spurt at the age of 16, leaving me shortest.
At least it cleared things up. Got it out in the open. There was no false pride in not being smallest. I was short, titchy, pintsize. Little Rich. It’s my defining feature.
I’m little and you know the score. Mouthy. Feisty. Something to prove. Trying too hard. Don’t know when to stop. You have the final word, I’ll have the final final word. It’s the way it is.
I’m competitive, fiercely competitive. I used to play football and loved nothing better than felling a six footer with a sliding challenge. Did I leave my leg in? What do you think?
Now I ride my bike, walk up hills. That’s when my body type comes into its own. Light. Low to the ground. Nimble. I walked up Ben Nevis recently and stopped to chat with a big man who was struggling up the mountain. And then I kicked on with a winning combination of masochism and sadism. Bye-ee.
I’m funny too. If you’re small you have to be. It’s part of the game. Get the joke in first. Self-deprecate, just like Louis Armstrong laughing off his blackness to please the white folks. If you are a minority, and you want to get along, you’ve got to have a joke. You’ve got to make the majority feel comfortable.
What does this make me? Do I have small man syndrome? Do I have Napoleon Complex? I say: these are the tags of mediocre men sized between 5ft 8 and 6ft 2ins. (The really tall have their own problems.) These terms are lazy pejoratives hurled at small men. I refute them absolutely.
But it’s true that small men are either figures of fun (Dudley Moore, Ronnie Corbett, Nicholas Sarkozy) or figures of hate (Ricky Ponting, Tom Cruise, Nicholas Sarkozy).
I want to explore in this blog the condition of shortness. Why do average-height people consider us so amusing / objectionable? And why do we try so hard to win their affection and gain attention?
How small is that? Bigger than Prince, about the same height as Stalin. A touch shorter than Maradona and Tom Cruise.
The specifics don’t matter. I’m short. Below the 5ft 7inch mark: that line which marks the small from the respectably middle-sized.
I was the second shortest in my year at school. Then Ian Rutter put on a growth spurt at the age of 16, leaving me shortest.
At least it cleared things up. Got it out in the open. There was no false pride in not being smallest. I was short, titchy, pintsize. Little Rich. It’s my defining feature.
I’m little and you know the score. Mouthy. Feisty. Something to prove. Trying too hard. Don’t know when to stop. You have the final word, I’ll have the final final word. It’s the way it is.
I’m competitive, fiercely competitive. I used to play football and loved nothing better than felling a six footer with a sliding challenge. Did I leave my leg in? What do you think?
Now I ride my bike, walk up hills. That’s when my body type comes into its own. Light. Low to the ground. Nimble. I walked up Ben Nevis recently and stopped to chat with a big man who was struggling up the mountain. And then I kicked on with a winning combination of masochism and sadism. Bye-ee.
I’m funny too. If you’re small you have to be. It’s part of the game. Get the joke in first. Self-deprecate, just like Louis Armstrong laughing off his blackness to please the white folks. If you are a minority, and you want to get along, you’ve got to have a joke. You’ve got to make the majority feel comfortable.
What does this make me? Do I have small man syndrome? Do I have Napoleon Complex? I say: these are the tags of mediocre men sized between 5ft 8 and 6ft 2ins. (The really tall have their own problems.) These terms are lazy pejoratives hurled at small men. I refute them absolutely.
But it’s true that small men are either figures of fun (Dudley Moore, Ronnie Corbett, Nicholas Sarkozy) or figures of hate (Ricky Ponting, Tom Cruise, Nicholas Sarkozy).
I want to explore in this blog the condition of shortness. Why do average-height people consider us so amusing / objectionable? And why do we try so hard to win their affection and gain attention?
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