It was with huge relief that after weeks of stories about the Wayne Bridge / John Terry ‘scandal’, a short man has stepped in to provide some sense on the matter.
Yes, it has taken some time before the world’s media thought to ask what Craig Bellamy’s take was on the situation. And, in a live interview on Sky after Man City had demolished Chelsea, it took him 10 seconds to effectively put the whole matter to rest.
Craig said: “I know what JT’s like and nothing surprises me about it, so I’m not going to comment on that guy. I think everyone in football knows what the guy’s like.”
And that’s that. No more hokum. Terry is a scumbag and you either accept it or you don’t. Thank you, Mr Bellamy, thank you.
Bellamy is one of those naturally divisive short men. (Playing in England, it probably also helps that he is Welsh.) Whatever he does he either inspires hate or admiration, usually the former.
I cannot help but have the greatest of admiration for the man. As a small man (in football terms, that is – he’s 5ft 9in) he’s had a career of playing second fiddle to a big man. He makes them look good and they don’t thank him for it.
That was exactly the case when Bellamy played with Alan Shearer at Newcastle. Here was the deal: Bellamy skins two defenders, hares into the box, draws the keeper, and lays the ball off to Shearer, who taps in. Shearer then takes all the plaudits as Bellamy seethes. Shearer could never understand why Bellamy would not acknowledge their feudal relationship as landowner and serf.
For anyone who has heard Shearer’s mixture of inane platitudes and bumptious arrogance as a TV pundit, we can only applaud any man who gets under his skin. Famously, Sam Allardyce tried to sign Bellamy back to Newcastle, a decision met with shock and derision by the then-retired Shearer. So angry was the ‘son of a sheet-metal worker from Gosforth’ that he used his Geordie legend status to effectively halt the signing and, moreover, put the hex on Allardyce’s entire reign at Newcastle. Ultimately, the upshot of this was that Newcastle were relegated while Allardyce’s current team, Blackburn, are comfortably mid-table in the Premier League. That’s what can happen when a short man fucks with your head.
We can only hope that Shearer is at home now, seething at Bellamy’s attack on the reputation of another former England captain. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he and JT might be sharing a text conversation about Bellamy, using the adjective ‘short’ as a casual pejorative.
Craig Bellamy: you are a modern-day hero.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Amis is a try-too-hard short man
I suppose it was obvious. The pomposity. The pretentious, attention-seeking use of language. The hate he inspires.
But until this week, I had never realised that Martin Amis was a shorty. He conceded, in a rare moment of straightforward candour this week, that he is 5ft 6 and a half inches. Which by my reckoning makes him just on the very periphery of short. He’s on the cusp of mediocre height, but not quite. For me, this explains why he has all the anger of the short man, with none of the self-deprecating humour. He is all fight and no charm.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/01/martin-amis-interview-pregnant-widow
Looking at it with clear eyes, now I have the salient fact to hand, it must be said that his being short is plastered all across Amis’s writing. Would anyone but a short man compose a first novel based around trying to pull a woman?
A bigger man would simply have got on with pulling the woman and gone home and written a heroic fantasy or a war fiction (the late, great heroic fantasy writer, David Gemmell, was a six-footer).
I did like The Rachel Papers – the cockiness of the central character trying to woo Rachel, his over-preparedness, his try-too-hard nature – because I identified with it.
I have not bothered reading any of his work since Money, but I am sure they are not as good as he thinks, nor as bad as his detractors would have us believe. Amis’s Yellow Dog book inspired one of the most legendary literary insults in recent years.
From Tibor Fischer: “The Yellow Dog isn’t bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It’s not-knowing-where-to-look bad…It’s like your favourite unclue being caught in a school playground, masturbating.”
Ouch.
He is a man, who through 'coining' words like 'apocollapse', 'horrorism' and 'edificide' while talking about 9/11 and Islam drew a column in the Guardian from Chris Morris, who suggests he is the new Abu Hamza.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/nov/25/bookscomment.religion
Now, while the role of this blog, if it has one, is to trumpet the achievements of the short man, and to strike back against unfair criticism, I can’t help but think that Amis falls into the ranks of short man as pantomime villain. In this category lies Nicholas Sarkozy, Australia cricket captain Ricky Ponting and, for the Englishman, Diego Maradona.
I’m not going to back Amis just because he is short. The bloke has honed his obnoxiousness too far for that. All I want to say is this: Amis would be an entirely different writer if he had as little as half an inch more height - or, better still, not a writer at all. That’s how finely balanced these things are. On this one, I'm very happy to sharpen my knives with everyone else. He deserves no mercy.
But until this week, I had never realised that Martin Amis was a shorty. He conceded, in a rare moment of straightforward candour this week, that he is 5ft 6 and a half inches. Which by my reckoning makes him just on the very periphery of short. He’s on the cusp of mediocre height, but not quite. For me, this explains why he has all the anger of the short man, with none of the self-deprecating humour. He is all fight and no charm.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/01/martin-amis-interview-pregnant-widow
Looking at it with clear eyes, now I have the salient fact to hand, it must be said that his being short is plastered all across Amis’s writing. Would anyone but a short man compose a first novel based around trying to pull a woman?
A bigger man would simply have got on with pulling the woman and gone home and written a heroic fantasy or a war fiction (the late, great heroic fantasy writer, David Gemmell, was a six-footer).
I did like The Rachel Papers – the cockiness of the central character trying to woo Rachel, his over-preparedness, his try-too-hard nature – because I identified with it.
I have not bothered reading any of his work since Money, but I am sure they are not as good as he thinks, nor as bad as his detractors would have us believe. Amis’s Yellow Dog book inspired one of the most legendary literary insults in recent years.
From Tibor Fischer: “The Yellow Dog isn’t bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It’s not-knowing-where-to-look bad…It’s like your favourite unclue being caught in a school playground, masturbating.”
Ouch.
He is a man, who through 'coining' words like 'apocollapse', 'horrorism' and 'edificide' while talking about 9/11 and Islam drew a column in the Guardian from Chris Morris, who suggests he is the new Abu Hamza.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/nov/25/bookscomment.religion
Now, while the role of this blog, if it has one, is to trumpet the achievements of the short man, and to strike back against unfair criticism, I can’t help but think that Amis falls into the ranks of short man as pantomime villain. In this category lies Nicholas Sarkozy, Australia cricket captain Ricky Ponting and, for the Englishman, Diego Maradona.
I’m not going to back Amis just because he is short. The bloke has honed his obnoxiousness too far for that. All I want to say is this: Amis would be an entirely different writer if he had as little as half an inch more height - or, better still, not a writer at all. That’s how finely balanced these things are. On this one, I'm very happy to sharpen my knives with everyone else. He deserves no mercy.
Page 3 targets short men
I may be becoming increasingly sensitive to anti-short man jibes after starting this blog. But, it seems i cannot even relax while looking at page 3 in the Sun without becoming distracted by the height issue.
In a recent edition I turned to page 3. There was Poppy, 18, from Somerset, poolside, looking very fetching while wearing not very much at all.
What has Poppy got to say about current affairs.
Namely, this:
Poppy is 5ft 5in and has a big concern after learning that PC Rob Port is believed to be Britain's smallest cop at just 5ft. She said: "I was always taught that you should look up to bobbies."
Now, while I shall not stop reading the Sun, nor looking at page 3, it is with a slight nervous anxiety that I do so. Poppy, 18, from Somerset, how could you!?
In a recent edition I turned to page 3. There was Poppy, 18, from Somerset, poolside, looking very fetching while wearing not very much at all.
What has Poppy got to say about current affairs.
Namely, this:
Poppy is 5ft 5in and has a big concern after learning that PC Rob Port is believed to be Britain's smallest cop at just 5ft. She said: "I was always taught that you should look up to bobbies."
Now, while I shall not stop reading the Sun, nor looking at page 3, it is with a slight nervous anxiety that I do so. Poppy, 18, from Somerset, how could you!?
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Cristiano: short man to blame for my sending-off
We know that Cristiano Ronaldo is offensive to most human beings. Never has a fabulously gifted footballer attracted more hatred from the football-loving fraternity.
I was definitely in the camp of those people who breathed a sigh of relief when Ronaldo finally departed these shores for Madrid where his ego could be given freer reign. No man has ever been booed by more fans more consistently (with all due respect to Ashley Cole in his efforts to inspire bile and loathing).
But it seems even after securing his much-vaunted ‘dream’ move to Real Madrid, Ronaldo can’t stop inspiring hate. He had already been sent off once this season, and against Malaga at the weekend he picked up his second red card for a vicious sideswipe on Patrick Mtiliga.
His defence of his actions are always singular in their outrageousness. And when asked for his reaction to breaking another player’s nose it is best to give it up to the man himself.
Cristiano said: 'I've seen worse things in other games. I didn't mean to injure the lad. It was bad luck to hit him on the nose because he's only 1.70m and if he had been taller I would have struck his chest.'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1245834/I-didnt-mean-Real-Madrid-star-Cristiano-Ronaldo-sent-breaking-Patrick-Mtiligas-nose.html#ixzz0dnRn65hN
So, if this blog has its heroes (see previous post), Cristiano has now joined the ranks of the anti-short man villain. From London to Madrid: “BOO!!”
I was definitely in the camp of those people who breathed a sigh of relief when Ronaldo finally departed these shores for Madrid where his ego could be given freer reign. No man has ever been booed by more fans more consistently (with all due respect to Ashley Cole in his efforts to inspire bile and loathing).
But it seems even after securing his much-vaunted ‘dream’ move to Real Madrid, Ronaldo can’t stop inspiring hate. He had already been sent off once this season, and against Malaga at the weekend he picked up his second red card for a vicious sideswipe on Patrick Mtiliga.
His defence of his actions are always singular in their outrageousness. And when asked for his reaction to breaking another player’s nose it is best to give it up to the man himself.
Cristiano said: 'I've seen worse things in other games. I didn't mean to injure the lad. It was bad luck to hit him on the nose because he's only 1.70m and if he had been taller I would have struck his chest.'
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1245834/I-didnt-mean-Real-Madrid-star-Cristiano-Ronaldo-sent-breaking-Patrick-Mtiligas-nose.html#ixzz0dnRn65hN
So, if this blog has its heroes (see previous post), Cristiano has now joined the ranks of the anti-short man villain. From London to Madrid: “BOO!!”
Sisqo evicted from Celeb BB house
I have had a few days to recover my natural bouyant temperant after learning of the sad news that Sisqo had been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house. Now the dust has settled it is time to see what can we learn about this great short man.
One thing is for certain. The tall men in the house: Vinnie Jones, Alex Reid, and Jonas, felt threatened by Sisqo. It was clear that the hard nut footballer, the dimwitted cagefighter and the very bland DJ saw in Sisqo a man with whom they could not compete on level terms.
In the eviction hearing last Friday, Vinnie came straight in the diary room sat down and said: “Sisqo.” He clearly didn’t even see the need to explain himself. Sisqo out. And who can blame him? Since the infamous nutgrab on Gazza back in the early ‘90s, Vinnie has always had a problem with creativity, and seeks to quash it whenever it comes within his grasp.
Alex was equally direct. “Sisqo is a threat.” He saw the man behind the classic hits Thong Song and Unleash the Dragon as a man who could take the Celeb BB title. No doubt Sisqo was a threat to his idea of masculinity: namely, to fight in cages for a job and crossdress in his spare time.
Jonas, whose music I have no knowledge of but who seems to be nice-but-dim, also wanted Sisqo out. Jonas is above six foot, and I have no doubt hanging round with a short R&B legend like Sisqo did his head in after a few days.
Out in the real world, having a cursory glance at popular opinion on youtube and other centres of the most up-to-date thinking, Sisqo has widely been acknowledged as a legend, a lover (particularly in Switzerland). Of course he has divided opinion: the short man always will.
No doubt he will now need to go into some sort of detoxification after three weeks in the company of Vinnie Jones, but after that process is complete I hope he reassumes his position at the top table of R&B music. Peace, Sisqo!
One thing is for certain. The tall men in the house: Vinnie Jones, Alex Reid, and Jonas, felt threatened by Sisqo. It was clear that the hard nut footballer, the dimwitted cagefighter and the very bland DJ saw in Sisqo a man with whom they could not compete on level terms.
In the eviction hearing last Friday, Vinnie came straight in the diary room sat down and said: “Sisqo.” He clearly didn’t even see the need to explain himself. Sisqo out. And who can blame him? Since the infamous nutgrab on Gazza back in the early ‘90s, Vinnie has always had a problem with creativity, and seeks to quash it whenever it comes within his grasp.
Alex was equally direct. “Sisqo is a threat.” He saw the man behind the classic hits Thong Song and Unleash the Dragon as a man who could take the Celeb BB title. No doubt Sisqo was a threat to his idea of masculinity: namely, to fight in cages for a job and crossdress in his spare time.
Jonas, whose music I have no knowledge of but who seems to be nice-but-dim, also wanted Sisqo out. Jonas is above six foot, and I have no doubt hanging round with a short R&B legend like Sisqo did his head in after a few days.
Out in the real world, having a cursory glance at popular opinion on youtube and other centres of the most up-to-date thinking, Sisqo has widely been acknowledged as a legend, a lover (particularly in Switzerland). Of course he has divided opinion: the short man always will.
No doubt he will now need to go into some sort of detoxification after three weeks in the company of Vinnie Jones, but after that process is complete I hope he reassumes his position at the top table of R&B music. Peace, Sisqo!
Saturday, 23 January 2010
The wit and wisdom of Will Greenwood
Nice to see former England rugby player Will Greenwood showing his lighthearted side in the Guardian yesterday. He talks about the japes fellow international Austin Healey used to play on him – such as hiding poor Will’s lucky socks while on tour.
And as an explanation of why Austin – who at 5ft 8ins is not technically short, but is when compared with those monstrous beasts that roam the rugby field – would do such things, Will explains it quite simply: Austin Healey has short man syndrome.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2010/jan/22/small-talk-will-greenwood
What a striking putdown, Will! To explain that Austin Healey is channeling his natural rage at being small by playing practical jokes on bigger men. In essence, Will is saying: ‘I wouldn’t normally put up with this kind of thing, but Austin is short. He can’t help it, poor chap.’
I’ll be honest here. I loathe English rugby players. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in a room with Will Carling and Jeremy Guscott. Will Carling's chin is on its own the most smug thing I have ever seen.
Growing up in Essex, I had no concept of rugby players. I didn’t play rugby and I didn’t know anyone who did. It was only at university that I came across the concept of the ‘rugby lad.’ The sight of three rugby lads urinating off a second floor balcony at my student halls while shouting obscenities told me everything I needed to know about this peculiar breed of Englishman.
So, in that context, saying that a shortish man has short man syndrome really does count as razor-sharp wit indeed. So jolly good show, Mr Greenwood.
And as an explanation of why Austin – who at 5ft 8ins is not technically short, but is when compared with those monstrous beasts that roam the rugby field – would do such things, Will explains it quite simply: Austin Healey has short man syndrome.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2010/jan/22/small-talk-will-greenwood
What a striking putdown, Will! To explain that Austin Healey is channeling his natural rage at being small by playing practical jokes on bigger men. In essence, Will is saying: ‘I wouldn’t normally put up with this kind of thing, but Austin is short. He can’t help it, poor chap.’
I’ll be honest here. I loathe English rugby players. I can’t think of anything worse than being stuck in a room with Will Carling and Jeremy Guscott. Will Carling's chin is on its own the most smug thing I have ever seen.
Growing up in Essex, I had no concept of rugby players. I didn’t play rugby and I didn’t know anyone who did. It was only at university that I came across the concept of the ‘rugby lad.’ The sight of three rugby lads urinating off a second floor balcony at my student halls while shouting obscenities told me everything I needed to know about this peculiar breed of Englishman.
So, in that context, saying that a shortish man has short man syndrome really does count as razor-sharp wit indeed. So jolly good show, Mr Greenwood.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Jamie Cullum in marriage shocker!!!
In the modern day, few celeb relationships have drawn the anti-small man ire among the journalistic community more than that of Jamie Cullum and Sophie Dahl.
Let’s check the facts. Cullum is the most successful jazz pianist ever to come out of Britain. Okay, so he doesn't quite have the artistic credibility of someone like back-in-the-day hero George Shearing. But the bloke knows his jazz, loves it, and is very, very popular.
Sophie Dahl is a successful model and, more recently, cookery writer and granddaughter of Roald Dahl. As successful, intelligent British celebrities of a similar vintage, they would appear to be a happy lovematch.
Not to the media. Their relationship is deemed strange and peculiar and a valid target for sneering and mirth. Why? Well, because Cullum is shorter than Dahl. Incredible! I mean, who would credit it?
Therefore, Cullum is pointedly condemned as “pintsized” while Dahl is hailed “statuesque” by the Daily Mail.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1242166/Naked-truth-feuding-Calendar-Girls.html
The Telegraph explicitly points out that the couple’s height difference has been the subject of much joking in the press.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/6967447/Sophie-Dahl-and-Jamie-Cullum-marry.html
Cullum, showing a clear lack of decency and respect for the media, said: “It’s hard to see it as a problem when we are very happy.”
And, worse, the couple decided to have a small scale wedding without letting Hello or OK in to take pictures. Some people will never learn.
Let’s check the facts. Cullum is the most successful jazz pianist ever to come out of Britain. Okay, so he doesn't quite have the artistic credibility of someone like back-in-the-day hero George Shearing. But the bloke knows his jazz, loves it, and is very, very popular.
Sophie Dahl is a successful model and, more recently, cookery writer and granddaughter of Roald Dahl. As successful, intelligent British celebrities of a similar vintage, they would appear to be a happy lovematch.
Not to the media. Their relationship is deemed strange and peculiar and a valid target for sneering and mirth. Why? Well, because Cullum is shorter than Dahl. Incredible! I mean, who would credit it?
Therefore, Cullum is pointedly condemned as “pintsized” while Dahl is hailed “statuesque” by the Daily Mail.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1242166/Naked-truth-feuding-Calendar-Girls.html
The Telegraph explicitly points out that the couple’s height difference has been the subject of much joking in the press.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/6967447/Sophie-Dahl-and-Jamie-Cullum-marry.html
Cullum, showing a clear lack of decency and respect for the media, said: “It’s hard to see it as a problem when we are very happy.”
And, worse, the couple decided to have a small scale wedding without letting Hello or OK in to take pictures. Some people will never learn.
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