Top 10 short men as of June 2010
1. Napoleon
2. Maradona
3. Sisqo
4. Javier Mascherano
5. Andrew Carnegie
6. Dudley Moore
7. Aston from JLS
8. Tinie Tempah (not sure of height, but clearly not a big guy)
9. Jermain Defoe
10. Prince
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
Those under 5ft 9 dominate World Cup
Needless to say, the players of the World Cup so far have all been the short guys.
Messi has been typically brilliant, Tevez tonked in one from 30 yards on Sunday, and Diego Maradona has been receiving rave reviews because of his touchline antics and abuse of Pele. And my personal favourite, Javier Mascherano, has been biting into tackles like the cynical beast he is.
David Villa has just scored his fourth of the tournament and looks set to pick up the Golden Boot.
Even Jermain Defoe managed to score for England when he got a chance to start a match.
Meanwhile, lumbering oafs like Emile Heskey, Cristiano Ronaldo and Fernando Torres have consistently failed to make an impact. Why? The long season? Or the fact that they are overrated and always fail to achieve at the highest level?
It particularly pleases me to see Ronaldo failing. He remains an easy target, but any man who blames his opponent for being small as the reason why he got elbowed in the teeth (see blogs past) is surely a man who needs his comeuppance at the hands of Villa and Iniesta.
Such a shame to see him wasting his time playing football when he could be doing something useful like apple picking, or reaching up to high shelves in libraries.
Messi has been typically brilliant, Tevez tonked in one from 30 yards on Sunday, and Diego Maradona has been receiving rave reviews because of his touchline antics and abuse of Pele. And my personal favourite, Javier Mascherano, has been biting into tackles like the cynical beast he is.
David Villa has just scored his fourth of the tournament and looks set to pick up the Golden Boot.
Even Jermain Defoe managed to score for England when he got a chance to start a match.
Meanwhile, lumbering oafs like Emile Heskey, Cristiano Ronaldo and Fernando Torres have consistently failed to make an impact. Why? The long season? Or the fact that they are overrated and always fail to achieve at the highest level?
It particularly pleases me to see Ronaldo failing. He remains an easy target, but any man who blames his opponent for being small as the reason why he got elbowed in the teeth (see blogs past) is surely a man who needs his comeuppance at the hands of Villa and Iniesta.
Such a shame to see him wasting his time playing football when he could be doing something useful like apple picking, or reaching up to high shelves in libraries.
Monday, 21 June 2010
David Villa scores wonder goal, then gets patronised by ITV commentary team
David Villa (5ft 9ins) tonight scored the goal of the World Cup so far, slaloming past two Honduras defenders before belting the ball into the top corner.
But for ITV commentator Peter Drury this was a perfect opportunity to patronise the short man (as a footballer, Villa at 5ft 9ins is small).
Drury, the cretin, said, 'He [Villa] had to beat two defenders, both of whom were twice his size, and he made them both look very small.'
So despite David Villa being perhaps the most prolific striker in the world today, Drury could not envisage him taking on, and beating, two defenders, even if they were from a low-ranked country such as Honduras.
Perhaps Drury should put the matter to Villa at the next Spain press conference.
Drury: So, David, you scored a great goal. Were you surprised you managed to take on two such big defenders, considering how small you are?
Villa: No.
Drury: But surely you must have been? I mean, you are tiny, and they are giants! It was incredible!
Villa: (rolling his eyes). Next question.
But for ITV commentator Peter Drury this was a perfect opportunity to patronise the short man (as a footballer, Villa at 5ft 9ins is small).
Drury, the cretin, said, 'He [Villa] had to beat two defenders, both of whom were twice his size, and he made them both look very small.'
So despite David Villa being perhaps the most prolific striker in the world today, Drury could not envisage him taking on, and beating, two defenders, even if they were from a low-ranked country such as Honduras.
Perhaps Drury should put the matter to Villa at the next Spain press conference.
Drury: So, David, you scored a great goal. Were you surprised you managed to take on two such big defenders, considering how small you are?
Villa: No.
Drury: But surely you must have been? I mean, you are tiny, and they are giants! It was incredible!
Villa: (rolling his eyes). Next question.
Is former ballet dancing short man Rahm Emanuel quitting the White House?
In the general free-for-all that is the pillorying of BP's Tony Hayward, it is no surprise to see Barack Obama's short man attack dog, Rahm Emanuel (5ft 5ins approx), sticking the boot in.
After Hayward had the audacity to go on his two-fingers-up boating trip around the Isle of Wight at the weekend Rahm Emanuel led the charge on the biggest white collar pantomime villain since Fred 'Fred the Shed' Goodwin.
'It was a big mistake,' Emanuel was quoted as saying in the Times. 'That's clearly a PR mistake, but he's made a number of those mistakes...to quote Tony Hayward, he has got his life back. I think we can conclude that Tony Hayward is not going to have a second career in PR consulting.'
How White House staff must have laughed heartily at that quip. How clever of little Rahm. Pat on the head from Barack. A stroke under the chin from Joe Biden.
This is a clear case of the short man showing something of a lack of class, to the discredit of all of us under 5ft 7ins. The willingness to point out a man's mistakes when they are there for the world to see. The necessity to shout that bit louder than anyone else. To get the first, the last, and any other laughs to be had.
Rahm, we can conclude, is not one of those iridescent short men we love so much - such as Prince or Aston from JLS. No, he is the kind of gnarled-up short man who wakes up every morning desperate to prove wrong those who doubt him and mock him. And as a former ballet dancer short man with a name like a 70s porn starlet battling it out in Washington, that's a lot of mockery to get him fired up.
Now there are reports, scurrilous probably, of him quitting the White House because of differences with Obama.
Fairly unlikely one would have to say, because could Obama really bring someone in as rampantly unpopular to do his dirty work? One as slavishly devoted to the cause? Or one who would do such a good job in the White House Christmas production of Swan Lake?
After Hayward had the audacity to go on his two-fingers-up boating trip around the Isle of Wight at the weekend Rahm Emanuel led the charge on the biggest white collar pantomime villain since Fred 'Fred the Shed' Goodwin.
'It was a big mistake,' Emanuel was quoted as saying in the Times. 'That's clearly a PR mistake, but he's made a number of those mistakes...to quote Tony Hayward, he has got his life back. I think we can conclude that Tony Hayward is not going to have a second career in PR consulting.'
How White House staff must have laughed heartily at that quip. How clever of little Rahm. Pat on the head from Barack. A stroke under the chin from Joe Biden.
This is a clear case of the short man showing something of a lack of class, to the discredit of all of us under 5ft 7ins. The willingness to point out a man's mistakes when they are there for the world to see. The necessity to shout that bit louder than anyone else. To get the first, the last, and any other laughs to be had.
Rahm, we can conclude, is not one of those iridescent short men we love so much - such as Prince or Aston from JLS. No, he is the kind of gnarled-up short man who wakes up every morning desperate to prove wrong those who doubt him and mock him. And as a former ballet dancer short man with a name like a 70s porn starlet battling it out in Washington, that's a lot of mockery to get him fired up.
Now there are reports, scurrilous probably, of him quitting the White House because of differences with Obama.
Fairly unlikely one would have to say, because could Obama really bring someone in as rampantly unpopular to do his dirty work? One as slavishly devoted to the cause? Or one who would do such a good job in the White House Christmas production of Swan Lake?
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Being short causes heart disease, say mid-heigh scientists
It seems that the kicking of the small person community knows no bounds.
Even scientists are getting in on the act. A group of said boffins, from Finland, have spent years of no doubt state-sponsored labour working out that being small raises your risk of heart disease.
That might be true or not. But one has to be slightly suspicious of research that sets out to find out if small people are more sickly than someone of more mediocre height.
You can imagine the conversation when the review was being set up.
Finn scientist A: Those short people, terrible aren't they?
Finn scientist B: Yes, I'd hate for my children to be short.
A: We must raise awareness of this sickly section of the population.
B: Yes, we must. Then people of normal height can learn to avoid getting into relationships with them.
Absolutely pointless tosh.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/10256868.stm
Even scientists are getting in on the act. A group of said boffins, from Finland, have spent years of no doubt state-sponsored labour working out that being small raises your risk of heart disease.
That might be true or not. But one has to be slightly suspicious of research that sets out to find out if small people are more sickly than someone of more mediocre height.
You can imagine the conversation when the review was being set up.
Finn scientist A: Those short people, terrible aren't they?
Finn scientist B: Yes, I'd hate for my children to be short.
A: We must raise awareness of this sickly section of the population.
B: Yes, we must. Then people of normal height can learn to avoid getting into relationships with them.
Absolutely pointless tosh.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/10256868.stm
Monday, 24 May 2010
Derek J enters the pantheon of greats
Just saw Chris Rock's new film, Good Hair, at the Brixton Ritzy. It's all about black women's hair and how they spend loads of time and money getting themselves looking good.
He visits a hair big hair jamboree, the conclusion to which is a Hair Battle, with five stylists putting together shows featuring their finest haircuts. The sort of thing Louis Theroux spends his time attending.
The king stylist was my new favourite short man: a cross-dressing hairdresser called Derek J (pictured above) who is like the Little Richard of hair. His shameless posing in his high-heeled knee-length boots and jewel-encrusted cane was one of the most brilliant things captured on film in a long while.
Rock showed up at the Ritzy to do a Q&A but unfortunately the questions focussed on the contentious Weave V Locks debate, rather than the star of the show, Derek J.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Argentina for the World Cup: The short man's choice
For the short man, there are only really three choices on who to back at the upcoming World Cup.
In height terms, it's really a toss-up between Argentina, North Korea and Spain.
Consulting my Panini World Cup 2010 sticker album which happily gives all the players' heights, Spain have a bunch of good short players, including David Silva, Iniesta and Xavi.
North Korea have the shortest squad overall. It is a moot point whether the North Koreans are short per se or if it is their Communist diet that is restricting their growth. Still, I for one will be looking out for Mun In-Guk, their striker who measure 5ft 6ins.
But the short man with a rational bone in his body must back the Argie.
There are many, many reasons for this. They have three great small (under 5ft 9ins) players: Mascherano, Tevez and Messi.
I love Mascherano, despite him playing for Liverpoo. He is entirely cynical in the tackle, gets booked virtually every game and enjoys suggesting a player dived when he has just placed six studs in their knee. He is the archetypal Dirty Argie and I suspect he has a visceral hatred of lanky footballers. If I was a professional footballer I would be Mascherano.
Tevez is your typical try-too-hard short man. He never knows when to stop, which is why he scores so many goals in the last ten minutes of games.
And then there is Messi: the best player in the world at the moment who has scored four hat-tricks in this calendar year, including four goals against Arsenal.
But the main reason to back them is their manager: Diego Armando Maradona. A man who gives your Carling drinking divvy doughnut England fan nightmares due to the Hand of God goal in 1986. That he mentally and physically destroyed Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton was bad enough. But the fact he effectively said God was Argentinian is something your England fan can't handle.
Apparently his tactics are to have a back four who never cross the half-way line, Mascherano snapping into the tackle and then passing it to Messi to do something genius.
Here's to 1986 all over again.
In height terms, it's really a toss-up between Argentina, North Korea and Spain.
Consulting my Panini World Cup 2010 sticker album which happily gives all the players' heights, Spain have a bunch of good short players, including David Silva, Iniesta and Xavi.
North Korea have the shortest squad overall. It is a moot point whether the North Koreans are short per se or if it is their Communist diet that is restricting their growth. Still, I for one will be looking out for Mun In-Guk, their striker who measure 5ft 6ins.
But the short man with a rational bone in his body must back the Argie.
There are many, many reasons for this. They have three great small (under 5ft 9ins) players: Mascherano, Tevez and Messi.
I love Mascherano, despite him playing for Liverpoo. He is entirely cynical in the tackle, gets booked virtually every game and enjoys suggesting a player dived when he has just placed six studs in their knee. He is the archetypal Dirty Argie and I suspect he has a visceral hatred of lanky footballers. If I was a professional footballer I would be Mascherano.
Tevez is your typical try-too-hard short man. He never knows when to stop, which is why he scores so many goals in the last ten minutes of games.
And then there is Messi: the best player in the world at the moment who has scored four hat-tricks in this calendar year, including four goals against Arsenal.
But the main reason to back them is their manager: Diego Armando Maradona. A man who gives your Carling drinking divvy doughnut England fan nightmares due to the Hand of God goal in 1986. That he mentally and physically destroyed Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton was bad enough. But the fact he effectively said God was Argentinian is something your England fan can't handle.
Apparently his tactics are to have a back four who never cross the half-way line, Mascherano snapping into the tackle and then passing it to Messi to do something genius.
Here's to 1986 all over again.
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