It's Maradona's birthday!!!

It's the day that even the most ardent Maradona fans thought would never come. Yes the great man, possibly the greatest living short man, celebrates his fiftieth birthday today.

I, for one, will be raising a glass and perhaps light a cigar in honour of the greatest scourge upon the lumbering large folk of this world since Bonaparte.

I imagine Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton, sitting there glumly, once again feeling agitated at the great humiliation wrought upon them by the Argie genius. Never on a sporting field has the woeful inadequacies of the larger man been exposed than on that fateful quarter-final in World Cup '86.

Maradona showed cunning, audacity, ingenuity, skill, speed and impudence; Butcher and Shilton, on the other hand, had honest endeavour only. So he scored one by outjumping Shilton to punch home, and a second by going past the whole England defence and tapping home.

The second was named goal of the century, but really the two goals are so intertwined that they should always be thought of as part of the same package of humiliation Maradona meted out to the English. This was of course of coming shortly after that horrible Thatcherite war in the Malvinas, so he had an especial reason to pull out his A game.

The thing should act as a lesson to us English not to have wars with nations who tend to be better at football than us - it only focuses their minds and makes things worse.

He then went on to become one of the world's most notorious cokeheads, hanging out with the Tour de France winner, Marco Pantani. Pantani died of his drug abuse, and Lord only knows how Maradona came through, but thankfully he did.

Maradona in his 2010 vintage is still incredibly good value. He was one of the few bright spots of an awfully drab World Cup. He handed out one of the great putdowns to his nemesis, Pele, by telling him to 'go back to the museum.'

He of course was not shown to be as good a manager as a player. But at least his lads looked like they were trying and working for him and each other, and enjoying themselves, none of which could be said of England.

So, all short men, and all those who love great sport should celebrate this great day. The day Maradona notched up a most unlikely half-century.

David Villa scores wonder goal, then gets patronised by ITV commentary team

David Villa (5ft 9ins) tonight scored the goal of the World Cup so far, slaloming past two Honduras defenders before belting the ball into the top corner.

But for ITV commentator Peter Drury this was a perfect opportunity to patronise the short man (as a footballer, Villa at 5ft 9ins is small).

Drury, the cretin, said, 'He [Villa] had to beat two defenders, both of whom were twice his size, and he made them both look very small.'

So despite David Villa being perhaps the most prolific striker in the world today, Drury could not envisage him taking on, and beating, two defenders, even if they were from a low-ranked country such as Honduras.

Perhaps Drury should put the matter to Villa at the next Spain press conference.

Drury: So, David, you scored a great goal. Were you surprised you managed to take on two such big defenders, considering how small you are?

Villa: No.

Drury: But surely you must have been? I mean, you are tiny, and they are giants! It was incredible!

Villa: (rolling his eyes). Next question.