I'm officially pint-sized

I always suspected as much. But it's taken the death of comedy great Norman Wisdom to get the thing confirmed.

I am, in tabloid parlance, pint-sized.

The Sun clarified the matter for me. Wisdom at 5ft 4ins was a 'pint-sized comedian'. I measure up at that height, or perhaps a shade smaller, so I'm within the bracket.

This puts my mind at rest, and also leaves me to fantasise that one day I will be tagged by the redtops, 'Pint-sized Purnell'.

I know little of Norman Wisdom. As the incredibly useful article in the Sun said, his biggest hit was Big in Albania. This was because his were some of the only films allowed past the sensors in communist eastern Europe.

But the song does have a double meaning. I was in amongst the Albanians last year, when I was in Kosovo, and I can confirm that Wisdom was not only Big in Albania, but big in Albania. They are a truly pint-sized people, with most being less big than me.

In the wake of Wisdom's passing, it would be nice to see a cover of Big in Albania made by all the pint-sized popstars out there: namely, Tinie Tempah, Shorty and Aston from JLS. That would truly being a fitting tribute to one of the all time great comedy short men.

Is it possible to write about Jamie Cullum without mentioning his height?

The answer to the question is - in theory, yes, but in practice, no chance whatsoever.

Jamie is the cover starlet of the latest ES magazine, brought to lucky Londoners by the Evening Standard. ES purports to be a quality publication, with a slightly classier feel than the main paper.

And so when interviewing a short man such as Jamie Cullum, ES does not want to address the matter of the musician's height directly. At least not at the top of the article. There is no 'pintsize pianist' reference, to remind the reader that while Cullum is talented, he remains troublingly tiny.

So the journalist, in this instance Christopher Silvester (sounds like a white collar criminal, don'tcha think?), is forced to scratch around for a few hundred words before getting to the main thrust of the piece, namely:

How on earth is Jamie Cullum married to Sophie Dahl when she is a model, and much taller than him?

Silvester, being a classy features writer for ES, addresses the issue elegantly, and of course indirectly. He talks of the 'tabloid obsession with Sophie being much taller than [Cullum]' forgetting that the Standard is a tabloid with just that obsession.

Cullum, no doubt through gritted teeth at the sheer crassness and inevitability of it, responds that, 'I've always been shorter than most girls I've gone out with, so I'm very used to it.'

I wish one day Cullum would answer the question, giving the journalists exactly what they want:

"You know what, I was absolutely astonished when Sophie Dahl agreed to marry me. I may have millions of record sales to my name and be a really nice guy, but I can't believe she couldn't see beyond all that to the fact that I am unbelievably short, and reject me out of hand because of my height, and go out with some other guy who was taller. Sophie's a great girl, but why she's married to a midget like me I will never know."

Go on Jamie, give 'em what they want.

Sharing a stage with a six foot four Yorkshireman

Last night, was the first night of four I am doing at the Camden Fringe. Show is called Inside the M25: A User's Guide and is a poetic survey of the city.

It is with a fellow called Gary From Leeds. He is a man who stands about six foot four in his socks which means he is a clear foot taller than. And the interesting thing is, the performing partnership between us is going quite well.

There I am, doing some jolly stuff from my near-ground-level perspective. And there he is, up near the stage lights, all acerbic wit and Yorkshire vowels.

But, forgetting the material we perform, I think it puts people naturally at ease to see two men towards the extreme end of the height scale on stage together. Even if they do not like all of our very deep and meaningful poems, they can at least enjoy the fact that:

a). There's a short man on stage, and;

b). He's up there with a lanky bloke!!!

So there you have it. Richard Purnell and Gary From Leeds: the Crouch and Defoe of the spoken word scene.

10 legendary mexican midget wrestlers

I don't normally look at actual dwarfs/midgets in this blog - but this is a great survey of that noble Mexican tradition - midget wrestling...

http://www.popcrunch.com/10-legendary-mexican-midget-wrestlers/

Above is my personal favourity, Tzuki, who comes in at 3ft 7ins.

Is height difference at the root of the Gallagher brothers' differences?

I have a theory on why Noel and Liam Gallagher hate each other.

Consider the two men. Liam is the swaggering front man, coming in at around 5ft 9ins. Then there is Noel, the chap who wrote all the hits, measuring about two inches less. That puts Noel on the cusp of shortness, with Liam is stuck stranded in mid-size hell.

And there we have the dynamic of the relationship. The short one, with the talent, versus the mid-sized one, doing his best with the ungainly body size he has been handed.

What makes this even worse for Liam is that he has modelled himself on short men - namely, Richard Ashcroft from The Verve and Ian Brown from The Stone Roses. Two men for whom boasting goes hand-in-hand with songwriting genius.

Of course, Liam has tried to write songs. I believe he had a stab at one or two on the later Oasis albums. But a decent tune - a Live Forever, or a Slide Away - will forever elude him. Now, in his late-30s, he is to be found roaming the streets of Primrose Hill, forever angry, forever jealous of his more gifted sibling.

He has set up a new band, Beady Eye, which he boldly claims will be better than Oasis. But I think we can make our judgement now, before any tunes have been heard. Liam will never write a great song, or even one that drunk northerners will bellow at their birds in pubs.

Why? He was - and pity him for this - born too tall.

Short man stands on tip toes for photo shock!!!

Justin Rego, star of hit show The Bachelorette is snapped in this blogger's photo committing one of the gravest sins of shortmandom - he is standing on tiptoes.

I feel personally ashamed seeing Justin standing there, acting like a man of average height, when in fact he is a shorty. Mr Rego, you are not only making a fool of yourself, but short men everywhere. Harrumph, is what I say. And we won't even comment on the very suspect facial hair.

For the full report, go to the blogger herself.

http://tinyurl.com/3yq8myx

Introducing my new favourite rapper...shorty!

The more I look at this short man issue, the more I think that, like homosexuality and race, most of the problems are in the past.

The short man in middle age - Tom Cruise or Nicholas Sarkozy, for instance - spend their time in boosted heels while forcing their women to walk bowlegged in flat shoes.

They have been brought up battling against their shortness. They see it as something to fight against, trying far too hard to prove to men of mediocre height that they are better than them.

Now, in 2010, the younger generation of short man seems to relish their shortness - to parade it for the advantage it is.

Take the grime scene. We have two men at the top of the game whose name is suggestive of diminutive height - Tinchy Stryder and Tinie Tempah.

But now we have a fellow who does away with that coy approach. Yes, I want to introduce my new favourite grime artiste - simply known as Shorty.

Shorty is clearly a man on the up. He has been part of the BBK (Boy Better Know) crew for some time, and this summer is launching his solo career. Kindly, for his taller colleagues, he allows them a run-out on his video. They lollop around behind him, in a manner reminiscent of a group of big friendly giants, just happy to part of Shorty's scene.

Needless to say, Shorty has an excess of gusto, and a fine rhyme style.
Find him here...
http://mrtremix.com/2010/06/28/shorty-bbk-offical-video/