Yes, it was rap night at the Shepherds Bush Empire last night with Mos Def playing (pretty good, but not great).
Anyone under six foot will know the peril that is the Empire. The combination of flat auditorium and high stage - and the recent trend of basketball players going to gigs - means that if you're not above average height you haven't got a sniff of seeing the action on stage.
I went to see Devendra Banhart there last year and spent half the gig moving through thickets of tall men before resigning myself to staring at the back of some monster in front of me for the gig's duration.
For Mos Def we got in there early, firstly in the hope of a decent support act (bunch of chaps trying and failing to be the Stereo MCs) and also to secure one of the very few vantage points to the edge of the bar. Getting there at 7.45 one of these spots was already taken with - wait for it - a couple, both of whom were over six feet. To add insult to injury, another giant in a baseball cap actually pushed past to get a vantage.
It is moments like these when the small man thinks to himself - bugger trying and failing to watch people perform, I'm going to get up there and myself. (ref: Ian Brown, Richard Ashcroft, Aston JLS, etc., etc.)
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Short man Stalin makes the papers!
I was startled to see Joseph Stalin (5ft 4ins) making an appearance in today's News of the World.
Entitled Curse of Stalin, the story attempts to pin the deaths of the Polish political elite on the famously short dictator. Everyone knows Stalin racked up an horrendously large death toll in his time, including many Poles, but to say he is still up to his usual tricks is going some.
The politicians were killed in a plane crash on their way to a memorial for officers killed in an atrocity ordered by Stalin. And so, in some quasi-Dan Brown fantasy cooked up by hack Philip Whiteside, the piece tacitly suggests that the only possible culprit for this tragic event is Stalin himself.
In the fetid imagination of the Screws hack that he must see a godlike Stalin reaching beyond his grave, grabbing the plane out of the sky and saying to the Poles: "There! That's what you get for rejecting Communism! Your democratic ideals make me sick!"
And promptly slamming the plane down to earth.
Hmmm. Or perhaps the plane was just caught in some fog. It's hard to tell which is more likely.
Entitled Curse of Stalin, the story attempts to pin the deaths of the Polish political elite on the famously short dictator. Everyone knows Stalin racked up an horrendously large death toll in his time, including many Poles, but to say he is still up to his usual tricks is going some.
The politicians were killed in a plane crash on their way to a memorial for officers killed in an atrocity ordered by Stalin. And so, in some quasi-Dan Brown fantasy cooked up by hack Philip Whiteside, the piece tacitly suggests that the only possible culprit for this tragic event is Stalin himself.
In the fetid imagination of the Screws hack that he must see a godlike Stalin reaching beyond his grave, grabbing the plane out of the sky and saying to the Poles: "There! That's what you get for rejecting Communism! Your democratic ideals make me sick!"
And promptly slamming the plane down to earth.
Hmmm. Or perhaps the plane was just caught in some fog. It's hard to tell which is more likely.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
World cup build-up begins with jingoistic attack on short man Maradona
Qualification is over, the summer is drawing near. And so the build-up to the World Cup can begin in earnest.
For the England fan this takes on a very familiar form. First, forget all previous World Cups apart from the one we won in 1966. Second, casually play down the claims of better teams such as Germany and Brazil.
But most of all, begin the jingoistic hatred of the Argie, in particular their 5ft 5ins manager, Diego Armando Maradona.
The English hate Maradona for very good reason. He is the greatest player of all time. He is an Argie – our desperate foe in the Falklands War. He hates the English. And, to make matters worse, he is short.
Maradona did the England football fan the great service of crystallising their hatred of him and his nation in a single moment; namely, the Hand of God goal in the 1986 World Cup. Maradona was at the peak of his powers. He had already ripped to shreds the English defence – the ape-like Terry Butcher included – to score one of the greatest goals of all time.
But Diego knew that to truly inflame the English he needed to not just beat them through wondrous skill. He needed to cheat as well. Thus, when he rose for a header against Peter Shilton he decided to reach up and knock the ball into the net with his hand.
The sheer impudence of it was magnificent. Shilton is about a foot taller than him and, as a goalie, could use his hands. So how on earth could Maradona win the ball, legally?
He couldn’t. But in that World Cup, when Maradona convinced the world he could do anything, the referee succumbed to believe that this ‘pint size’ player could also leap higher than a six-foot goalie.
Maradona is now in charge of the Argentina football team. And while he has shown himself to have little tactical nous, unfortunately for the English, he doesn’t really need any. All he has to do is pick Lionel Messi, tell the rest of his players to give him the ball, and the pesky Argies will have a much better chance of winning the World Cup than England.
Which leaves the England football fan in the position of having no option but to take recourse in the old sport of mocking Maradona. And last week, Diego gave the perfect opportunity, by getting bitten on the face by his dog, while trying to kiss her.
This made front page news for the Sun, with its oh so witty headline, Hand of Dog. This prompted a decent flurry of comments on the newspaper’s website with one chappie saying succinctly, ‘it is God’s punishment for him cheating on England.’
Well said. Always best to get the abuse in first before the Argies, led by their titchy maestro, start plotting our demise in the most dastardly manner.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2914190/Snoggy-with-doggy-leaves-Diego-groggy.html
For the England fan this takes on a very familiar form. First, forget all previous World Cups apart from the one we won in 1966. Second, casually play down the claims of better teams such as Germany and Brazil.
But most of all, begin the jingoistic hatred of the Argie, in particular their 5ft 5ins manager, Diego Armando Maradona.
The English hate Maradona for very good reason. He is the greatest player of all time. He is an Argie – our desperate foe in the Falklands War. He hates the English. And, to make matters worse, he is short.
Maradona did the England football fan the great service of crystallising their hatred of him and his nation in a single moment; namely, the Hand of God goal in the 1986 World Cup. Maradona was at the peak of his powers. He had already ripped to shreds the English defence – the ape-like Terry Butcher included – to score one of the greatest goals of all time.
But Diego knew that to truly inflame the English he needed to not just beat them through wondrous skill. He needed to cheat as well. Thus, when he rose for a header against Peter Shilton he decided to reach up and knock the ball into the net with his hand.
The sheer impudence of it was magnificent. Shilton is about a foot taller than him and, as a goalie, could use his hands. So how on earth could Maradona win the ball, legally?
He couldn’t. But in that World Cup, when Maradona convinced the world he could do anything, the referee succumbed to believe that this ‘pint size’ player could also leap higher than a six-foot goalie.
Maradona is now in charge of the Argentina football team. And while he has shown himself to have little tactical nous, unfortunately for the English, he doesn’t really need any. All he has to do is pick Lionel Messi, tell the rest of his players to give him the ball, and the pesky Argies will have a much better chance of winning the World Cup than England.
Which leaves the England football fan in the position of having no option but to take recourse in the old sport of mocking Maradona. And last week, Diego gave the perfect opportunity, by getting bitten on the face by his dog, while trying to kiss her.
This made front page news for the Sun, with its oh so witty headline, Hand of Dog. This prompted a decent flurry of comments on the newspaper’s website with one chappie saying succinctly, ‘it is God’s punishment for him cheating on England.’
Well said. Always best to get the abuse in first before the Argies, led by their titchy maestro, start plotting our demise in the most dastardly manner.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2914190/Snoggy-with-doggy-leaves-Diego-groggy.html
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Aston from JLS - more than just a short man who does a backflip
I switched on my telly yesterday and to my delight there was Aston from JLS doing his thing - namely, that cheeky backflip.
This was a re-run of a live performance from last year but the delerious cries from the audience did leave me to consider if JLS would even be a going concern without Aston. I asked the question rhetorically because it is plain for any lover of Britain's Biggest Boyband Since East 17 that Aston is carrying the rest of the group into the limelight.
For the uninformed, Aston is the short one in the group and therefore of interest to this blog. He shares vocal duties with the rest of the band but in every other way keeps the group going.
As we have noted, most successful short men are incorrigible flirts, and Aston is no exception. In the great days of the London Lite and thelondonpaper (how I miss that Germanic word compound) day after day, there he was, out on the town doing his bit to keep JLS in the public's gaze.
Now, in these days of austerity, without the daily celeb fix from the London frees, we have to wait for Heat to come out each week to find out what Aston has been up to. And in the latest edition the intrepid Heat reporters have 'uncovered' that Aston is dating one of the Saturdays (it matters not which) therein linking JLS to the Britain's Best Girl Group Since Girls Aloud.
No doubt this liaison was thrashed out in summit between agents, in a modern version of a royal marriage, but casting aside any cynicism, you have to admire Aston's willingness to do whatever it takes to keep JLS on top.
So, my message to the other members of JLS is this. If you think Aston is simply the little one who does the backflip you are severely underestimating him. Out of the four chaps in the group, only Aston has what it takes for a successful solo career. Make him feel wanted - you need Aston more than he needs you
This was a re-run of a live performance from last year but the delerious cries from the audience did leave me to consider if JLS would even be a going concern without Aston. I asked the question rhetorically because it is plain for any lover of Britain's Biggest Boyband Since East 17 that Aston is carrying the rest of the group into the limelight.
For the uninformed, Aston is the short one in the group and therefore of interest to this blog. He shares vocal duties with the rest of the band but in every other way keeps the group going.
As we have noted, most successful short men are incorrigible flirts, and Aston is no exception. In the great days of the London Lite and thelondonpaper (how I miss that Germanic word compound) day after day, there he was, out on the town doing his bit to keep JLS in the public's gaze.
Now, in these days of austerity, without the daily celeb fix from the London frees, we have to wait for Heat to come out each week to find out what Aston has been up to. And in the latest edition the intrepid Heat reporters have 'uncovered' that Aston is dating one of the Saturdays (it matters not which) therein linking JLS to the Britain's Best Girl Group Since Girls Aloud.
No doubt this liaison was thrashed out in summit between agents, in a modern version of a royal marriage, but casting aside any cynicism, you have to admire Aston's willingness to do whatever it takes to keep JLS on top.
So, my message to the other members of JLS is this. If you think Aston is simply the little one who does the backflip you are severely underestimating him. Out of the four chaps in the group, only Aston has what it takes for a successful solo career. Make him feel wanted - you need Aston more than he needs you
Monday, 29 March 2010
Humphrey Davy is archetypal short man
It appears I can't read a book without a serious short man issue coming up. Okay, most of the books I read are about Napoleon, but aside from that, these issues do arise with unseemly regularity.
I've just finished reading The Age of Wonder by Richard Holmes, an elegantly written survey of British scientific achievements in the late eighteenth and early nineteenth century. One of the central characters in the books is Humphrey Davy. He was the inventor of the miners' safety lamp, which has its place in the Making the Modern World gallery at the Science Museum and is regarded by the curators there as one of the most important inventions of all time.
Apart from the safety lamp, I knew little about Davy. It turns out that he was 5ft 5ins and in many ways the archetypal brilliant short man.
Holmes, in what must be one of the most perceptive descriptions of a short man ever written, describes the great chemist thus:
"Davy was small, volatile and bursting with energy and talk...he was impulsive, charming and arrogant. Though physically small, he had huge intellectual ambitons. He was a solitary man who was also an incorrigible flirt."
I'm sure every man under 5ft 7ins can identify with that. Davy was a man who was eager to please, eager to prove himself socially - whilst being isolated from it - and eager to gain paramountcy in his profession. He was brilliant and wanted the world to know it. I'm sure that while London 'society' minded that he was a bit boastful, provincial (from Cornwall) and small, the many thousands of miners across the world whose lives he made safer wouldn't have minded one bit.
My only quibble in this masterly description is the sentence, 'Though physically small, he had huge intellectual ambitions.' This betrays the fact that Holmes lacks true insight into the make-up of the short man. He implies that being short puts a natural cap on one's ambitions.
I would say quite the opposite. The short man - assumed to be of inferior stock to the plodding man of middle height - is naturally inclined towards ambitions, particularly of an intellectual nature. I would immodestly suggest to Richard Holmes that he would have been better off saying,
"Davy was small, and therefore had huge intellectual ambitions."
That would be more accurate. Goes to show that the short man makes history; the middling man writes it.
More on Humphrey Davy soon.
I've just finished reading The Age of Wonder by Richard Holmes, an elegantly written survey of British scientific achievements in the late eighteenth and early nineteenth century. One of the central characters in the books is Humphrey Davy. He was the inventor of the miners' safety lamp, which has its place in the Making the Modern World gallery at the Science Museum and is regarded by the curators there as one of the most important inventions of all time.
Apart from the safety lamp, I knew little about Davy. It turns out that he was 5ft 5ins and in many ways the archetypal brilliant short man.
Holmes, in what must be one of the most perceptive descriptions of a short man ever written, describes the great chemist thus:
"Davy was small, volatile and bursting with energy and talk...he was impulsive, charming and arrogant. Though physically small, he had huge intellectual ambitons. He was a solitary man who was also an incorrigible flirt."
I'm sure every man under 5ft 7ins can identify with that. Davy was a man who was eager to please, eager to prove himself socially - whilst being isolated from it - and eager to gain paramountcy in his profession. He was brilliant and wanted the world to know it. I'm sure that while London 'society' minded that he was a bit boastful, provincial (from Cornwall) and small, the many thousands of miners across the world whose lives he made safer wouldn't have minded one bit.
My only quibble in this masterly description is the sentence, 'Though physically small, he had huge intellectual ambitions.' This betrays the fact that Holmes lacks true insight into the make-up of the short man. He implies that being short puts a natural cap on one's ambitions.
I would say quite the opposite. The short man - assumed to be of inferior stock to the plodding man of middle height - is naturally inclined towards ambitions, particularly of an intellectual nature. I would immodestly suggest to Richard Holmes that he would have been better off saying,
"Davy was small, and therefore had huge intellectual ambitions."
That would be more accurate. Goes to show that the short man makes history; the middling man writes it.
More on Humphrey Davy soon.
Friday, 26 March 2010
Mark Owen: the latest in a long line of promiscuous short men
I've been musing about Mark Owen's recent travails. The headline in the Sun when he admitted to 10 affairs was interesting. Of course, there is nothing unusual in a pop star having affairs - it's par for the course. But to own up after having 10 affairs, that is something quite different.
Yes, the ordinary pop star might have one or a few affairs before the tabloids get onto it. But there was something very redolent of the try too hard short man in that Mark Owen - the cute one from Take That - turned it into a bit of a boast.
It was almost as if he was saying: "No-one has ever taken me seriously. Gary wrote the songs, Robbie had the successful solo career. There was nothing for me left to do except
prove my masculinity through attracting starstruck girls."
The more I think about it, this rampant promiscuity is something of a hallmark of short men. You've only got to look at Jermain Defoe's incredible ability to bed every aspiring WAG out there to see that the small, successful man simply can't say 'no' to women.
My great favourite, Sisqo, is of course another case in point. Not only did he write one of the great pervy pop tunes of all time, Thong Song, he also got tangled up in a paternity suit with a Swiss woman whom he 'met' on tour.
And checking back through my collection of Napoleon biographies shows beyond doubt that old Bonaparte himself believed in spreading his love around. So, my hastily drawn but I feel nevertheless solid conclusion - great short men are invariably promiscuous. Mark Owen, in your hour of need, take solace from the fact that you follow in the footpath of short men the world over, from Napoleon to Jermain Defoe.
Yes, the ordinary pop star might have one or a few affairs before the tabloids get onto it. But there was something very redolent of the try too hard short man in that Mark Owen - the cute one from Take That - turned it into a bit of a boast.
It was almost as if he was saying: "No-one has ever taken me seriously. Gary wrote the songs, Robbie had the successful solo career. There was nothing for me left to do except
prove my masculinity through attracting starstruck girls."
The more I think about it, this rampant promiscuity is something of a hallmark of short men. You've only got to look at Jermain Defoe's incredible ability to bed every aspiring WAG out there to see that the small, successful man simply can't say 'no' to women.
My great favourite, Sisqo, is of course another case in point. Not only did he write one of the great pervy pop tunes of all time, Thong Song, he also got tangled up in a paternity suit with a Swiss woman whom he 'met' on tour.
And checking back through my collection of Napoleon biographies shows beyond doubt that old Bonaparte himself believed in spreading his love around. So, my hastily drawn but I feel nevertheless solid conclusion - great short men are invariably promiscuous. Mark Owen, in your hour of need, take solace from the fact that you follow in the footpath of short men the world over, from Napoleon to Jermain Defoe.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Napoleon is a hero to all short men
I am very much enjoying reading about Napoleon Bonaparte. One of my French friends once remarked that I 'could be Corsican' which I took as a huge compliment. But until starting this blog I had never looked too closely at the man.
The great man. Probably the greatest short man of all time - and therefore probably the greatest man of all time. Yes, I am a convinced Bonapartist.
He displayed all of the qualities which short men should possess: brilliance, daring, volatility allied with loveability, promiscuity, and more than anything was always trying to prove himself. He had the lot.
I particularly enjoyed his furious slapping-down of Talleyrand, his double-dealing minister, as reported in Andrew Roberts' brilliant book, Napoleon and Wellington.
Napoleon: "Why, I could break you like a glass! I have the power to do so. But I scorn you too much for that. Why didn't I have you hanged in public on the gates of the Carousel? But there is still time for that. You are just common shit in silk stockings!"
I love it all. I love the threat, the scorn, the further threat, and then out-and-out abuse. And I need hardly add that Talleyrand was, of course, a tall man.
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
The great man. Probably the greatest short man of all time - and therefore probably the greatest man of all time. Yes, I am a convinced Bonapartist.
He displayed all of the qualities which short men should possess: brilliance, daring, volatility allied with loveability, promiscuity, and more than anything was always trying to prove himself. He had the lot.
I particularly enjoyed his furious slapping-down of Talleyrand, his double-dealing minister, as reported in Andrew Roberts' brilliant book, Napoleon and Wellington.
Napoleon: "Why, I could break you like a glass! I have the power to do so. But I scorn you too much for that. Why didn't I have you hanged in public on the gates of the Carousel? But there is still time for that. You are just common shit in silk stockings!"
I love it all. I love the threat, the scorn, the further threat, and then out-and-out abuse. And I need hardly add that Talleyrand was, of course, a tall man.
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
