Julian Lloyd Webber assuages his lack of talent with short man sniping

I noticed in the Standard that Julian Lloyd Webber maintains his own sense of self-worth by insulting his more talented and successful brother on matters of height.

Julian, who is quite good at cello, is in the shadow of his older - and smaller - brother Andrew, who is the most successful songwriter this country has ever produced.

Here's what the cretinous Julian has to say:

"I'm poorer and not so famous as Andrew, this is true. But I'm about a foot taller than the man. It means I could easily take him out in a fight if I needed to, and we all know that, as men, this is all that counts...it's good to know I have the upper hand."

Poor old Julian. He might have had the pleasure of doing the 'sticking your hand on the little boy's forehead to stopping them making a swing for you' when he was younger, but he fundamentally minunderstands, and underestimates, the short man if he thinks height gives him the necessary advantage in a fight.

It might help in the boxing ring, but in reality, not really.

Here's why:

1. The short man is far more volatile and aggressive than his mediocre-sized male equivalent. We just are. We're angry. Think Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. We've all got a bit of that smash-you-over-the-head-with-a-telephone devil in us. And we never know when to stop.

2. If we think we might lose a fight, we would simply deploy some double-hard psycho to sort it out for us. I spent my school years carefully aligning myself with boys who liked to fight given the slightest excuse, and therefore rarely worried about the consequences of insulting someone.

There's a magnificent moment in the Ian Dury biopic Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll which exemplifies this point. Dury, who was half-paralysed by childhood polio, insults a bouncer. The bouncer attempts to attack him, only for the rest of Dury's band to pile in and give him a pasting.

So, while it is unlikely that the assorted cast of Cats and Phantom have quite got the fighting spirit of Ian Dury's men, I'm sure they'd be more than enough to swat Julian.