Is former ballet dancing short man Rahm Emanuel quitting the White House?

In the general free-for-all that is the pillorying of BP's Tony Hayward, it is no surprise to see Barack Obama's short man attack dog, Rahm Emanuel (5ft 5ins approx), sticking the boot in.

After Hayward had the audacity to go on his two-fingers-up boating trip around the Isle of Wight at the weekend Rahm Emanuel led the charge on the biggest white collar pantomime villain since Fred 'Fred the Shed' Goodwin.

'It was a big mistake,' Emanuel was quoted as saying in the Times. 'That's clearly a PR mistake, but he's made a number of those mistakes...to quote Tony Hayward, he has got his life back. I think we can conclude that Tony Hayward is not going to have a second career in PR consulting.'

How White House staff must have laughed heartily at that quip. How clever of little Rahm. Pat on the head from Barack. A stroke under the chin from Joe Biden.

This is a clear case of the short man showing something of a lack of class, to the discredit of all of us under 5ft 7ins. The willingness to point out a man's mistakes when they are there for the world to see. The necessity to shout that bit louder than anyone else. To get the first, the last, and any other laughs to be had.

Rahm, we can conclude, is not one of those iridescent short men we love so much - such as Prince or Aston from JLS. No, he is the kind of gnarled-up short man who wakes up every morning desperate to prove wrong those who doubt him and mock him. And as a former ballet dancer short man with a name like a 70s porn starlet battling it out in Washington, that's a lot of mockery to get him fired up.

Now there are reports, scurrilous probably, of him quitting the White House because of differences with Obama.

Fairly unlikely one would have to say, because could Obama really bring someone in as rampantly unpopular to do his dirty work? One as slavishly devoted to the cause? Or one who would do such a good job in the White House Christmas production of Swan Lake?

Being short causes heart disease, say mid-heigh scientists

It seems that the kicking of the small person community knows no bounds.
Even scientists are getting in on the act. A group of said boffins, from Finland, have spent years of no doubt state-sponsored labour working out that being small raises your risk of heart disease.

That might be true or not. But one has to be slightly suspicious of research that sets out to find out if small people are more sickly than someone of more mediocre height.

You can imagine the conversation when the review was being set up.
Finn scientist A: Those short people, terrible aren't they?
Finn scientist B: Yes, I'd hate for my children to be short.
A: We must raise awareness of this sickly section of the population.
B: Yes, we must. Then people of normal height can learn to avoid getting into relationships with them.

Absolutely pointless tosh.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/10256868.stm

Derek J enters the pantheon of greats

Just saw Chris Rock's new film, Good Hair, at the Brixton Ritzy. It's all about black women's hair and how they spend loads of time and money getting themselves looking good.

He visits a hair big hair jamboree, the conclusion to which is a Hair Battle, with five stylists putting together shows featuring their finest haircuts. The sort of thing Louis Theroux spends his time attending.

The king stylist was my new favourite short man: a cross-dressing hairdresser called Derek J (pictured above) who is like the Little Richard of hair. His shameless posing in his high-heeled knee-length boots and jewel-encrusted cane was one of the most brilliant things captured on film in a long while.

Rock showed up at the Ritzy to do a Q&A but unfortunately the questions focussed on the contentious Weave V Locks debate, rather than the star of the show, Derek J.

Argentina for the World Cup: The short man's choice

For the short man, there are only really three choices on who to back at the upcoming World Cup.
In height terms, it's really a toss-up between Argentina, North Korea and Spain.

Consulting my Panini World Cup 2010 sticker album which happily gives all the players' heights, Spain have a bunch of good short players, including David Silva, Iniesta and Xavi.

North Korea have the shortest squad overall. It is a moot point whether the North Koreans are short per se or if it is their Communist diet that is restricting their growth. Still, I for one will be looking out for Mun In-Guk, their striker who measure 5ft 6ins.

But the short man with a rational bone in his body must back the Argie.

There are many, many reasons for this. They have three great small (under 5ft 9ins) players: Mascherano, Tevez and Messi.

I love Mascherano, despite him playing for Liverpoo. He is entirely cynical in the tackle, gets booked virtually every game and enjoys suggesting a player dived when he has just placed six studs in their knee. He is the archetypal Dirty Argie and I suspect he has a visceral hatred of lanky footballers. If I was a professional footballer I would be Mascherano.

Tevez is your typical try-too-hard short man. He never knows when to stop, which is why he scores so many goals in the last ten minutes of games.

And then there is Messi: the best player in the world at the moment who has scored four hat-tricks in this calendar year, including four goals against Arsenal.

But the main reason to back them is their manager: Diego Armando Maradona. A man who gives your Carling drinking divvy doughnut England fan nightmares due to the Hand of God goal in 1986. That he mentally and physically destroyed Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton was bad enough. But the fact he effectively said God was Argentinian is something your England fan can't handle.

Apparently his tactics are to have a back four who never cross the half-way line, Mascherano snapping into the tackle and then passing it to Messi to do something genius.

Here's to 1986 all over again.

Julian Lloyd Webber assuages his lack of talent with short man sniping

I noticed in the Standard that Julian Lloyd Webber maintains his own sense of self-worth by insulting his more talented and successful brother on matters of height.

Julian, who is quite good at cello, is in the shadow of his older - and smaller - brother Andrew, who is the most successful songwriter this country has ever produced.

Here's what the cretinous Julian has to say:

"I'm poorer and not so famous as Andrew, this is true. But I'm about a foot taller than the man. It means I could easily take him out in a fight if I needed to, and we all know that, as men, this is all that counts...it's good to know I have the upper hand."

Poor old Julian. He might have had the pleasure of doing the 'sticking your hand on the little boy's forehead to stopping them making a swing for you' when he was younger, but he fundamentally minunderstands, and underestimates, the short man if he thinks height gives him the necessary advantage in a fight.

It might help in the boxing ring, but in reality, not really.

Here's why:

1. The short man is far more volatile and aggressive than his mediocre-sized male equivalent. We just are. We're angry. Think Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. We've all got a bit of that smash-you-over-the-head-with-a-telephone devil in us. And we never know when to stop.

2. If we think we might lose a fight, we would simply deploy some double-hard psycho to sort it out for us. I spent my school years carefully aligning myself with boys who liked to fight given the slightest excuse, and therefore rarely worried about the consequences of insulting someone.

There's a magnificent moment in the Ian Dury biopic Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll which exemplifies this point. Dury, who was half-paralysed by childhood polio, insults a bouncer. The bouncer attempts to attack him, only for the rest of Dury's band to pile in and give him a pasting.

So, while it is unlikely that the assorted cast of Cats and Phantom have quite got the fighting spirit of Ian Dury's men, I'm sure they'd be more than enough to swat Julian.

Short man Kebede storms to London marathon win

Pleased to report that one of my bethren, Kebede Tsegay (5ft 2ins) of Ethiopia, has just stormed to win. And the ever-lovely BBC commentators were quick to mock the man. Knuckle-headed six footer, Steve Cram, using his razor-sharp wit and expert analysis, noted that Kebede was wearing a very large watch and was surprised that such a small man could wear something of that size. His fellow commentator suggested it might be the difference between a personal best and not.

This is within seconds of Kebede wrapping the win up, and before second place had finished. This is surely a most outrageous case of what you might call large man syndrome from Cram who can't bear to see the short man win and has nothing decent to say apart from cretinous comments.

This result also leaves me to wonder whether the short man is at a natural advantage in distance running events. Kebede is very short, as is Haile Gebrsellasie, the current marathon world record holder. Perhaps there is something in the height weight distribution which does put those of us lucky enough to be under 5ft 7ins at a natural advantage.

Still doesn't mean I'm going to be taking up running any time soon - weak knees is my excuse, and the knowledge I could be an amazing distance runner if I want to demonstrate the fact.

Perfect weekend for Jermain Defoe

A perfect weekend for one of the sporting darlings of this blog. Yes, Jermain Defoe (5ft 6.5ins) got two major write-ups in this week's News of the World. He bagged the front page of the sport section with his goal for Spurs against Chelsea to raise the prospect of a top-four finish for his team.

And the predatory Defoe also made it into the news pages for a 'brazen sex act' in a car just 100 yards - that's just 100 YARDS (gasp!) - from children playing in a leafy Hertfordshire village.

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/786122/England-ace-Jermain-Defoe-caught-playing-foul-with-red-head-in-car.html

I think we've confirmed beyond all doubt that the genius short man has a predisposition excessive sexual encounters. But what with Defoe's red-hot form this season, allied to his almost constant presence in the celeb columns, I believe that for Defoe, the two things go hand-in-hand. Without the prowling for sexual partners, you would not have the goalscoring prowess.

What concerns me is that during the World Cup Fabio Capello might be too strict on our star man, and not allow him the attention from women he deserves, possibly hampering our striker's chances of doing his best for his country. I'm sure Fabio would allow Jermain special dispensation to roam the streets of South Africa late at night looking for women if he realised how important it was to this short man to have his manliness reaffirmed by random women before big games. I imagine Fabio, in his wisdom, has this all in hand, but it would be nice to know that he has Jermain's wellbeing is being fully considered as we approach the World Cup.