It's Maradona's birthday!!!

It's the day that even the most ardent Maradona fans thought would never come. Yes the great man, possibly the greatest living short man, celebrates his fiftieth birthday today.

I, for one, will be raising a glass and perhaps light a cigar in honour of the greatest scourge upon the lumbering large folk of this world since Bonaparte.

I imagine Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton, sitting there glumly, once again feeling agitated at the great humiliation wrought upon them by the Argie genius. Never on a sporting field has the woeful inadequacies of the larger man been exposed than on that fateful quarter-final in World Cup '86.

Maradona showed cunning, audacity, ingenuity, skill, speed and impudence; Butcher and Shilton, on the other hand, had honest endeavour only. So he scored one by outjumping Shilton to punch home, and a second by going past the whole England defence and tapping home.

The second was named goal of the century, but really the two goals are so intertwined that they should always be thought of as part of the same package of humiliation Maradona meted out to the English. This was of course of coming shortly after that horrible Thatcherite war in the Malvinas, so he had an especial reason to pull out his A game.

The thing should act as a lesson to us English not to have wars with nations who tend to be better at football than us - it only focuses their minds and makes things worse.

He then went on to become one of the world's most notorious cokeheads, hanging out with the Tour de France winner, Marco Pantani. Pantani died of his drug abuse, and Lord only knows how Maradona came through, but thankfully he did.

Maradona in his 2010 vintage is still incredibly good value. He was one of the few bright spots of an awfully drab World Cup. He handed out one of the great putdowns to his nemesis, Pele, by telling him to 'go back to the museum.'

He of course was not shown to be as good a manager as a player. But at least his lads looked like they were trying and working for him and each other, and enjoying themselves, none of which could be said of England.

So, all short men, and all those who love great sport should celebrate this great day. The day Maradona notched up a most unlikely half-century.

Taller men more likely to get testicular cancer

poor bastards:
http://bit.ly/bxiZPq

Small man fest on Buzzcocks!

I was sitting in an Indian restaurant on Sunday night, musing upon the fact that so many of the waiter class is short, when on the telly came Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

I was thrilled to say my man Tinie Tempah on the show but astonished to see a chap much smaller than Tinie sitting next to him: comedian by the name of Paul Foot.

Now, call me a part-time short man, but I was unaware of the work of Mr Foot. He seems to have a great combination of retreating head of hair and mullet, which he uses to great benefit. Seeing him, all short and strange looking, I became an instant fan, as did all the pint-size waiters in the Indian down in Tooting.

So, to the pantheon he is added. I shall have to pay lavish attention to the great man in future.

I'm officially pint-sized

I always suspected as much. But it's taken the death of comedy great Norman Wisdom to get the thing confirmed.

I am, in tabloid parlance, pint-sized.

The Sun clarified the matter for me. Wisdom at 5ft 4ins was a 'pint-sized comedian'. I measure up at that height, or perhaps a shade smaller, so I'm within the bracket.

This puts my mind at rest, and also leaves me to fantasise that one day I will be tagged by the redtops, 'Pint-sized Purnell'.

I know little of Norman Wisdom. As the incredibly useful article in the Sun said, his biggest hit was Big in Albania. This was because his were some of the only films allowed past the sensors in communist eastern Europe.

But the song does have a double meaning. I was in amongst the Albanians last year, when I was in Kosovo, and I can confirm that Wisdom was not only Big in Albania, but big in Albania. They are a truly pint-sized people, with most being less big than me.

In the wake of Wisdom's passing, it would be nice to see a cover of Big in Albania made by all the pint-sized popstars out there: namely, Tinie Tempah, Shorty and Aston from JLS. That would truly being a fitting tribute to one of the all time great comedy short men.