Is it possible to write about Jamie Cullum without mentioning his height?

The answer to the question is - in theory, yes, but in practice, no chance whatsoever.

Jamie is the cover starlet of the latest ES magazine, brought to lucky Londoners by the Evening Standard. ES purports to be a quality publication, with a slightly classier feel than the main paper.

And so when interviewing a short man such as Jamie Cullum, ES does not want to address the matter of the musician's height directly. At least not at the top of the article. There is no 'pintsize pianist' reference, to remind the reader that while Cullum is talented, he remains troublingly tiny.

So the journalist, in this instance Christopher Silvester (sounds like a white collar criminal, don'tcha think?), is forced to scratch around for a few hundred words before getting to the main thrust of the piece, namely:

How on earth is Jamie Cullum married to Sophie Dahl when she is a model, and much taller than him?

Silvester, being a classy features writer for ES, addresses the issue elegantly, and of course indirectly. He talks of the 'tabloid obsession with Sophie being much taller than [Cullum]' forgetting that the Standard is a tabloid with just that obsession.

Cullum, no doubt through gritted teeth at the sheer crassness and inevitability of it, responds that, 'I've always been shorter than most girls I've gone out with, so I'm very used to it.'

I wish one day Cullum would answer the question, giving the journalists exactly what they want:

"You know what, I was absolutely astonished when Sophie Dahl agreed to marry me. I may have millions of record sales to my name and be a really nice guy, but I can't believe she couldn't see beyond all that to the fact that I am unbelievably short, and reject me out of hand because of my height, and go out with some other guy who was taller. Sophie's a great girl, but why she's married to a midget like me I will never know."

Go on Jamie, give 'em what they want.

Sharing a stage with a six foot four Yorkshireman

Last night, was the first night of four I am doing at the Camden Fringe. Show is called Inside the M25: A User's Guide and is a poetic survey of the city.

It is with a fellow called Gary From Leeds. He is a man who stands about six foot four in his socks which means he is a clear foot taller than. And the interesting thing is, the performing partnership between us is going quite well.

There I am, doing some jolly stuff from my near-ground-level perspective. And there he is, up near the stage lights, all acerbic wit and Yorkshire vowels.

But, forgetting the material we perform, I think it puts people naturally at ease to see two men towards the extreme end of the height scale on stage together. Even if they do not like all of our very deep and meaningful poems, they can at least enjoy the fact that:

a). There's a short man on stage, and;

b). He's up there with a lanky bloke!!!

So there you have it. Richard Purnell and Gary From Leeds: the Crouch and Defoe of the spoken word scene.