It was with huge relief that after weeks of stories about the Wayne Bridge / John Terry ‘scandal’, a short man has stepped in to provide some sense on the matter.
Yes, it has taken some time before the world’s media thought to ask what Craig Bellamy’s take was on the situation. And, in a live interview on Sky after Man City had demolished Chelsea, it took him 10 seconds to effectively put the whole matter to rest.
Craig said: “I know what JT’s like and nothing surprises me about it, so I’m not going to comment on that guy. I think everyone in football knows what the guy’s like.”
And that’s that. No more hokum. Terry is a scumbag and you either accept it or you don’t. Thank you, Mr Bellamy, thank you.
Bellamy is one of those naturally divisive short men. (Playing in England, it probably also helps that he is Welsh.) Whatever he does he either inspires hate or admiration, usually the former.
I cannot help but have the greatest of admiration for the man. As a small man (in football terms, that is – he’s 5ft 9in) he’s had a career of playing second fiddle to a big man. He makes them look good and they don’t thank him for it.
That was exactly the case when Bellamy played with Alan Shearer at Newcastle. Here was the deal: Bellamy skins two defenders, hares into the box, draws the keeper, and lays the ball off to Shearer, who taps in. Shearer then takes all the plaudits as Bellamy seethes. Shearer could never understand why Bellamy would not acknowledge their feudal relationship as landowner and serf.
For anyone who has heard Shearer’s mixture of inane platitudes and bumptious arrogance as a TV pundit, we can only applaud any man who gets under his skin. Famously, Sam Allardyce tried to sign Bellamy back to Newcastle, a decision met with shock and derision by the then-retired Shearer. So angry was the ‘son of a sheet-metal worker from Gosforth’ that he used his Geordie legend status to effectively halt the signing and, moreover, put the hex on Allardyce’s entire reign at Newcastle. Ultimately, the upshot of this was that Newcastle were relegated while Allardyce’s current team, Blackburn, are comfortably mid-table in the Premier League. That’s what can happen when a short man fucks with your head.
We can only hope that Shearer is at home now, seething at Bellamy’s attack on the reputation of another former England captain. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he and JT might be sharing a text conversation about Bellamy, using the adjective ‘short’ as a casual pejorative.
Craig Bellamy: you are a modern-day hero.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Amis is a try-too-hard short man
I suppose it was obvious. The pomposity. The pretentious, attention-seeking use of language. The hate he inspires.
But until this week, I had never realised that Martin Amis was a shorty. He conceded, in a rare moment of straightforward candour this week, that he is 5ft 6 and a half inches. Which by my reckoning makes him just on the very periphery of short. He’s on the cusp of mediocre height, but not quite. For me, this explains why he has all the anger of the short man, with none of the self-deprecating humour. He is all fight and no charm.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/01/martin-amis-interview-pregnant-widow
Looking at it with clear eyes, now I have the salient fact to hand, it must be said that his being short is plastered all across Amis’s writing. Would anyone but a short man compose a first novel based around trying to pull a woman?
A bigger man would simply have got on with pulling the woman and gone home and written a heroic fantasy or a war fiction (the late, great heroic fantasy writer, David Gemmell, was a six-footer).
I did like The Rachel Papers – the cockiness of the central character trying to woo Rachel, his over-preparedness, his try-too-hard nature – because I identified with it.
I have not bothered reading any of his work since Money, but I am sure they are not as good as he thinks, nor as bad as his detractors would have us believe. Amis’s Yellow Dog book inspired one of the most legendary literary insults in recent years.
From Tibor Fischer: “The Yellow Dog isn’t bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It’s not-knowing-where-to-look bad…It’s like your favourite unclue being caught in a school playground, masturbating.”
Ouch.
He is a man, who through 'coining' words like 'apocollapse', 'horrorism' and 'edificide' while talking about 9/11 and Islam drew a column in the Guardian from Chris Morris, who suggests he is the new Abu Hamza.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/nov/25/bookscomment.religion
Now, while the role of this blog, if it has one, is to trumpet the achievements of the short man, and to strike back against unfair criticism, I can’t help but think that Amis falls into the ranks of short man as pantomime villain. In this category lies Nicholas Sarkozy, Australia cricket captain Ricky Ponting and, for the Englishman, Diego Maradona.
I’m not going to back Amis just because he is short. The bloke has honed his obnoxiousness too far for that. All I want to say is this: Amis would be an entirely different writer if he had as little as half an inch more height - or, better still, not a writer at all. That’s how finely balanced these things are. On this one, I'm very happy to sharpen my knives with everyone else. He deserves no mercy.
But until this week, I had never realised that Martin Amis was a shorty. He conceded, in a rare moment of straightforward candour this week, that he is 5ft 6 and a half inches. Which by my reckoning makes him just on the very periphery of short. He’s on the cusp of mediocre height, but not quite. For me, this explains why he has all the anger of the short man, with none of the self-deprecating humour. He is all fight and no charm.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/01/martin-amis-interview-pregnant-widow
Looking at it with clear eyes, now I have the salient fact to hand, it must be said that his being short is plastered all across Amis’s writing. Would anyone but a short man compose a first novel based around trying to pull a woman?
A bigger man would simply have got on with pulling the woman and gone home and written a heroic fantasy or a war fiction (the late, great heroic fantasy writer, David Gemmell, was a six-footer).
I did like The Rachel Papers – the cockiness of the central character trying to woo Rachel, his over-preparedness, his try-too-hard nature – because I identified with it.
I have not bothered reading any of his work since Money, but I am sure they are not as good as he thinks, nor as bad as his detractors would have us believe. Amis’s Yellow Dog book inspired one of the most legendary literary insults in recent years.
From Tibor Fischer: “The Yellow Dog isn’t bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It’s not-knowing-where-to-look bad…It’s like your favourite unclue being caught in a school playground, masturbating.”
Ouch.
He is a man, who through 'coining' words like 'apocollapse', 'horrorism' and 'edificide' while talking about 9/11 and Islam drew a column in the Guardian from Chris Morris, who suggests he is the new Abu Hamza.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/nov/25/bookscomment.religion
Now, while the role of this blog, if it has one, is to trumpet the achievements of the short man, and to strike back against unfair criticism, I can’t help but think that Amis falls into the ranks of short man as pantomime villain. In this category lies Nicholas Sarkozy, Australia cricket captain Ricky Ponting and, for the Englishman, Diego Maradona.
I’m not going to back Amis just because he is short. The bloke has honed his obnoxiousness too far for that. All I want to say is this: Amis would be an entirely different writer if he had as little as half an inch more height - or, better still, not a writer at all. That’s how finely balanced these things are. On this one, I'm very happy to sharpen my knives with everyone else. He deserves no mercy.
Page 3 targets short men
I may be becoming increasingly sensitive to anti-short man jibes after starting this blog. But, it seems i cannot even relax while looking at page 3 in the Sun without becoming distracted by the height issue.
In a recent edition I turned to page 3. There was Poppy, 18, from Somerset, poolside, looking very fetching while wearing not very much at all.
What has Poppy got to say about current affairs.
Namely, this:
Poppy is 5ft 5in and has a big concern after learning that PC Rob Port is believed to be Britain's smallest cop at just 5ft. She said: "I was always taught that you should look up to bobbies."
Now, while I shall not stop reading the Sun, nor looking at page 3, it is with a slight nervous anxiety that I do so. Poppy, 18, from Somerset, how could you!?
In a recent edition I turned to page 3. There was Poppy, 18, from Somerset, poolside, looking very fetching while wearing not very much at all.
What has Poppy got to say about current affairs.
Namely, this:
Poppy is 5ft 5in and has a big concern after learning that PC Rob Port is believed to be Britain's smallest cop at just 5ft. She said: "I was always taught that you should look up to bobbies."
Now, while I shall not stop reading the Sun, nor looking at page 3, it is with a slight nervous anxiety that I do so. Poppy, 18, from Somerset, how could you!?
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