AP Mccoy wins sports personality of the year

Interesting one, this. AP McCoy, the great jockey, has just won BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Now, AP, as horseracing fans will know, is one of the taller of his breed. At 5ft 10ins, he is bigger than the average jockey.

It might just be me thinking this, but was the BBC trying to make AP conform more easily to the all-jockeys-are-titches stereotype? I say this because, in this most scripted and rehearsed piece of 'live' TV, they got Freddie Flintoff to present the award, a man against whom most people look small.

AP also made a claim for the short man territory by saying, in his acceptance speech, that there were a lot of sportsmen in the room he looks up to.

We are talking Sunday night before Christmas television here. The BBC knows its audience, who want their prejudices reinforced rather than challenged on such an occasion. Particularly where Sue Barker is involved.

So the logic of it goes thus: a jockey is going to win sports personality, most people think all jockeys are short and don't want to start engaging the brain on a Sunday night, particularly on matters of height - therefore, get a monstrous ex-England fastbowler (complete with nickname drawn from the Flintstones) and no-one has to question whether all jockeys really are small, or not.

Congratulations AP. But let no one think that you stand eye to eye with Frankie Dettori, who comes in at a more prejudice confirming 5ft 5ins.

World's richest club incapable of winning without short man up front

The sports pages of the newspapers - which are just the men's equivalent of Heat or Now magazine - have been full of news of Carlos Tevez.

Manchester City, the world's richest club with stacks of so-called world-class players at their disposal, have been outright panicking because of rumours that Tevez is homesick and is considering moving back to Argentina (or perhaps Real Madrid, which can quite often be the destination of homesick player, whatever their provenance).

They have a right to be worried. Despite having Adebayor, Santa Cruz, Jo and Balotelli to pick up front, it is clear for all the world to see that if Tevez is not in their team, they don't win. Simple as that.

This most expensively assembled of squads just ended a three-match losing streak. It started with the 3-0 pounding against Arsenal, when Tevez went off with an injury. Then he didn't play against Wolves, or Lech Poznan and they were beaten again and they were a game away from a full-blown crisis with Mancini's head on the chopping block.

Tevez returns for today's clash against the Baggies and they suddenly, miraculously, get back to winning ways.

No wonder they are rumoured to be offering him a monster 250k a week contract. Mancini and all Man City fans know very well that if they didn't have their short man up front, they would be a mid-table team, and perhaps even worse than Liverpool. Man Utd might not have truly known the value of their short man, but City certainly do.

It's Maradona's birthday!!!

It's the day that even the most ardent Maradona fans thought would never come. Yes the great man, possibly the greatest living short man, celebrates his fiftieth birthday today.

I, for one, will be raising a glass and perhaps light a cigar in honour of the greatest scourge upon the lumbering large folk of this world since Bonaparte.

I imagine Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton, sitting there glumly, once again feeling agitated at the great humiliation wrought upon them by the Argie genius. Never on a sporting field has the woeful inadequacies of the larger man been exposed than on that fateful quarter-final in World Cup '86.

Maradona showed cunning, audacity, ingenuity, skill, speed and impudence; Butcher and Shilton, on the other hand, had honest endeavour only. So he scored one by outjumping Shilton to punch home, and a second by going past the whole England defence and tapping home.

The second was named goal of the century, but really the two goals are so intertwined that they should always be thought of as part of the same package of humiliation Maradona meted out to the English. This was of course of coming shortly after that horrible Thatcherite war in the Malvinas, so he had an especial reason to pull out his A game.

The thing should act as a lesson to us English not to have wars with nations who tend to be better at football than us - it only focuses their minds and makes things worse.

He then went on to become one of the world's most notorious cokeheads, hanging out with the Tour de France winner, Marco Pantani. Pantani died of his drug abuse, and Lord only knows how Maradona came through, but thankfully he did.

Maradona in his 2010 vintage is still incredibly good value. He was one of the few bright spots of an awfully drab World Cup. He handed out one of the great putdowns to his nemesis, Pele, by telling him to 'go back to the museum.'

He of course was not shown to be as good a manager as a player. But at least his lads looked like they were trying and working for him and each other, and enjoying themselves, none of which could be said of England.

So, all short men, and all those who love great sport should celebrate this great day. The day Maradona notched up a most unlikely half-century.

Taller men more likely to get testicular cancer

poor bastards:
http://bit.ly/bxiZPq

Small man fest on Buzzcocks!

I was sitting in an Indian restaurant on Sunday night, musing upon the fact that so many of the waiter class is short, when on the telly came Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

I was thrilled to say my man Tinie Tempah on the show but astonished to see a chap much smaller than Tinie sitting next to him: comedian by the name of Paul Foot.

Now, call me a part-time short man, but I was unaware of the work of Mr Foot. He seems to have a great combination of retreating head of hair and mullet, which he uses to great benefit. Seeing him, all short and strange looking, I became an instant fan, as did all the pint-size waiters in the Indian down in Tooting.

So, to the pantheon he is added. I shall have to pay lavish attention to the great man in future.

I'm officially pint-sized

I always suspected as much. But it's taken the death of comedy great Norman Wisdom to get the thing confirmed.

I am, in tabloid parlance, pint-sized.

The Sun clarified the matter for me. Wisdom at 5ft 4ins was a 'pint-sized comedian'. I measure up at that height, or perhaps a shade smaller, so I'm within the bracket.

This puts my mind at rest, and also leaves me to fantasise that one day I will be tagged by the redtops, 'Pint-sized Purnell'.

I know little of Norman Wisdom. As the incredibly useful article in the Sun said, his biggest hit was Big in Albania. This was because his were some of the only films allowed past the sensors in communist eastern Europe.

But the song does have a double meaning. I was in amongst the Albanians last year, when I was in Kosovo, and I can confirm that Wisdom was not only Big in Albania, but big in Albania. They are a truly pint-sized people, with most being less big than me.

In the wake of Wisdom's passing, it would be nice to see a cover of Big in Albania made by all the pint-sized popstars out there: namely, Tinie Tempah, Shorty and Aston from JLS. That would truly being a fitting tribute to one of the all time great comedy short men.

Is it possible to write about Jamie Cullum without mentioning his height?

The answer to the question is - in theory, yes, but in practice, no chance whatsoever.

Jamie is the cover starlet of the latest ES magazine, brought to lucky Londoners by the Evening Standard. ES purports to be a quality publication, with a slightly classier feel than the main paper.

And so when interviewing a short man such as Jamie Cullum, ES does not want to address the matter of the musician's height directly. At least not at the top of the article. There is no 'pintsize pianist' reference, to remind the reader that while Cullum is talented, he remains troublingly tiny.

So the journalist, in this instance Christopher Silvester (sounds like a white collar criminal, don'tcha think?), is forced to scratch around for a few hundred words before getting to the main thrust of the piece, namely:

How on earth is Jamie Cullum married to Sophie Dahl when she is a model, and much taller than him?

Silvester, being a classy features writer for ES, addresses the issue elegantly, and of course indirectly. He talks of the 'tabloid obsession with Sophie being much taller than [Cullum]' forgetting that the Standard is a tabloid with just that obsession.

Cullum, no doubt through gritted teeth at the sheer crassness and inevitability of it, responds that, 'I've always been shorter than most girls I've gone out with, so I'm very used to it.'

I wish one day Cullum would answer the question, giving the journalists exactly what they want:

"You know what, I was absolutely astonished when Sophie Dahl agreed to marry me. I may have millions of record sales to my name and be a really nice guy, but I can't believe she couldn't see beyond all that to the fact that I am unbelievably short, and reject me out of hand because of my height, and go out with some other guy who was taller. Sophie's a great girl, but why she's married to a midget like me I will never know."

Go on Jamie, give 'em what they want.